thursday night's plans.

things i text to kirsten while at work.

yes, i know i said i got laid off. and i did. but in substitute land, getting laid off means that instead of choosing your own jobs every day - and being able to choose from like, 15 of them EVERY DAY - you maybe get called for one specific job each month. so instead of making $90 a day, you're making $90 a month. yes. my life. anyway, here we go!

7:22am: Im subbing at the high school where i havent been in a couple months and a kid saw me in the parking lot and called me a dumb bitch!!
7:23: it wasn't very nice of him.
7:28: i'm so bored. i'm working a math class.
kirsten 7:30: perfect. your preferred subject!
7:31: i sure do love it. numbersnumbersnumbers!
7:36: this girl is making a fortune teller instead of doing her work. i want to play w it so badly when she's done!
7:56: thank god i found a magic eye calendar to keep me busy!
8:14: this girl i refer to as "cheeto fingers" is in my class
8:15: she is just staring at the floor
8:18: now she's putting on mascara.
8:21: now she's curling them.
8:23: now 20 minutes in she's opening her notebook. good for her!
kirsten 8:24: ahaha. i want to meet cheeto fingers.
8:27: i don't think you'd have much to talk about.
8:34: she closed her notebook. ten minutes is enough for math. i agree!
8:39: she's asleep on her backpack now.
8:44: still sleeping. she didn't even look up when the phone rang.
8:47: she's awake and looking around the room to see if anyone noticed. i did!!
9:52: aw, this girl failed her drivers exam :(
kirsten 11:02: poor thing
11:11: i can't see the magic eye!!!!!
kirsten 11:17: it's a pig
11:48: now i'm at the track meet. it's making me tired.
kirsten 11:50: there is a track meet?
11:50: yeah some all day meet. i'm subbing for a teacher who is working at it. so many running mexicans!
kirsten: what did they steel[sic]???
11:51: this shit is boring.

more birthdays

birthdays

caroline: are you celebrating the year of your birth?

me: yeah, i'm at danny's with kirsten!

caroline: careful, that bitch is CRAZY.

stuck in traffic

me: where are you?

kirsten: i've been stuck in traffic for hours. i am not even out of phoenix.

me: people who get into car accidents are so inconsiderate.

kirsten: i've been saying that for years.

me: i'm looking it up online. it happened an hour and a half ago - it must be a big deal if it hasn't been cleared yet...

kirsten: there better be five people and a cop dead!

sasha: bad karma!

kirsten: i'm joking. but srsly...

Facebook/Real Life humiliation: is there a difference?

I made a Facebook event in order to beg ask some friends to hang out with me on my birthday. Humiliation = WFI.

Please ignore the fact that none of my friends are coming, and just remember Ellie.

cat...nap?

job hunt: back on.

after a mildly successful experience as a substitute teacher (I actually will have only gone to work 29 times since my hire date back in October [but it was the end of October!!!]. but before you criticize me, my track record isn't even that bad!! considering thanksgiving break, christmas break, my whole "i'm in israel" thing, and my affinity for recreational drug use, i don't think i did thaaaat badly), i am now left without a job. if there is one thing republicans are good at, it's cutting education funding (amirite??). oh, arizona, you silly goose; welcome to your own personal WFI!

i guess it's time to work on that screen play i keep telling Gem and Christopher i'm writing.

Comment Card

Long story short, the restaurant closes at 2:30pm. Six, horrible twenty year olds walk through the door at 2:15 and sit in my section. They order complicated things with special requests and are rude about it and just overall ugly. The floors are being vacuumed, windows are being washed, servers are sitting at tables, there is trash on the floor that is in the process of being swept elsewhere etc and we are obviously, CLOSING, but they do not care. So, I make a few bad jokes, openly dislike them, and eventually bring out their food. I dislike them so much in fact, that I bring out a super duper hot plate and I hand it to the girl at the end of the table, whose birthday it was, and say nothing about the dangers of the hotness. DROPS IT. And I laugh. "Woops! Probably should have told you that was hot!" She = not amused.

Then of course they needed sides of this and extra that (all things that require me to go back into the freezer and re-open) and a bowl of this and the fruit is bad and the omelet is ROTTEN. Seriously, this loser guy sends back his omelet - containing nothing but mozzarella cheese - back. TWICE. The manager came over and tried it and said it was fine. He said it was rotten and smelled rotten. I said, "Weird, it's almost like you've never had mozzarella cheese before". He responded with, "If I get sick because you fed me rotten food then I will be back tomorrow and in your face!" Keep in mind - all the omelets are made from the same egg mix, which was being eaten by everyone else at the table, and they were not complaining...

Then one of the ugly girls says..."Can I borrow your pen..."

There are comment cards on all the tables, by the way.

"Sure, but just so you know, I bus my own tables, so I'm just going to throw your comment card away." And I gave her my pen.

It's amazing that I have a job at all, sometimes.

Here are some card highlights:

handwritten across the top: This was a bad experience. Our server was so rude!

Restaurants Overall Cleanliness: POOR
Your Server Was Well Groomed: FAIR


The manager ended up keeping the card...which makes me a little worried. But they were rude to him too, so it shouldn't end up being a big deal.

Anyway, that's the end of my story. I have to actually do homework now.

Mandatory classes for graduation that take themselves too seriously.

ASU forces each art student to take a class about...stuff... before they graduate. Now up until this semester, the semester where i have to take it, the class has just been a one credit course involving you participating in an art show during the semester. you meet with the class maaaaaybe twice a semester. and basically it's all bullshit and way easy.

BUT THIS SEMESTER, although still one credit, the class meets once a week, every week, for the entire semester, and the teacher makes us write silly statements and resumes and essays. none of which i want to do, because i never want to do anything, and none of which i take seriously. because it's for one credit. and i consider myself friends with the guy who teaches it (meaning he would never actually fail me), who was a grad student here until he received his mfa last semester. now he is just "adjunct faculty".

anyway, our assignment for this week was to write an essay. topic? "what do you want to be when you grow up".

wait, what? my response? "i'm 22 you fucker!!!" jackie's response? "i'm 24 you jerk!" roommate kirsten's response? "a dinosaur!!!"

anyway, here are the essays i wrote. yes. two. one for me, and one for jackie (respectively).

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But I do know what I don’t want to be. And I think that’s worth just as much. Here is a short list of things I DON’T want to be. Ever. At all. Not even a little bit:

10.Thudong Monk in Bangkok
9. the 5th wife of a polygymist (4th wife is okay)
8. any insect
7. the Hardegrees
6. drug addict (recreational user does not an addict make!)
5. school librarian
4. Kirsten Rutherford
3. my mother
2. a hamburger
1. adjunct faculty at Arizona State University


So in conclusion…

don't ask me who the Hardegrees are.


My name is Jacqueline, and when I grow up I want to have twenty children of my own and a farm in the mountains in Utah. I want to be the 5th wife of a noble, well respected man who will allow me to have as many cats as I desire. If time allows, I may pursue art in the form of inked kitty paw prints on found objects and the scrap booking of important events in the lives of my children and the children of my sister wives. However, I do not believe time will allow for any of this, for I shall be too busy taking on the fulfilling tasks of laundering clothing, French braiding hair, and embroidering everyone’s initials onto their clothing. I will also be busy setting type for the church’s instructional pamphlets on how to be a good wife and live free from sin that are to be delivered to local schools and anywhere else there are pretty, young girls in need of guidance. I shall be in charge of delivering them as well, along with possibly the 4th wife, and maybe even the 3rd wife, but not with the 1st wife or the 2nd wife because pamphlet deliveries only take place on Tuesday mornings and on Tuesday mornings it will be their turn to drive the children to school because I will bring them to school on Mondays and Wednesdays.


is turning these in the WFI or the BFI?

i'm going with the latter, because i already turned them in. and i need to graduate.

oh, by the way, i dropped the chemistry class that i...NEED TO GRADUATE. so i guess i wont be graduating anyway!!

WFI, a real one!!

Long story short, roommate Kirsten and I received a "notice to comply" letter in the mail near the end of November. We probably would have seen it sooner if we had bothered to check the mail since October, but whatever.

Anyway, it read a lot like, "Blah blah you are slums", "Blah blah your house makes everyone else's look even worse", and "Blah blah if you don't pull those weeds out of your front yard we will fine you lots of money blah blah!" and it read nothing like, "hey, neither of you have a criminal record*, and you don't deal drugs out of your house** or illegally own any firearms and you also never, not once, ever, have hosted brutal dogfighting matches in your backyard, so here is some money for being awesome!!!" PS - who is the neighborhood association anyway? Do I want in on that?

Around the third letter - we decided we should probably start taking them seriously. We had until December 4th before Riley Degroot (the "neighborhood inspector") would be inspecting our house again. Also, did you see that his name is Riley Degroot? What the hell kind of name is that? But anyway. We were basically going to be fined $100+ a week until we pulled them, so we made plans to get up and pull some weeds over the weekend.

However, you know. Things happen. People stay out late and don't come home and are lazy and don't want to do stupid shit that doesn't matter and sorta always think problems will solve themselves. But like, they don't.

So on the morning of December 4th, Roommate Kirsten and I drag ourselves out of bed in the cold and get to work with our bare hands. And it sucked. And then a conversation happened that went sort of like this...

"somethingsomething something crash and burn"
"Did you just say 'slash and burn'?"










So, WFI or not? Well... sadly, not. Look how silly those fires are! I mean, yes, Kirsten did catch her shoe ablaze, and yes, Gracie came awfully close to catching a muzzle full of lighter fluid, but she didn't! And Kirsten put out her shoe fire almost just as fast as it had started! There were no outrageous explosions and not even one neighbor saw us and thought we were up to no good! Instead everything...worked out? No weeds, in half the time? We love pulling weeds??

Maybe next time.







*we're ignoring Roommate Kirsten's arrest, because it was just that once...
**and we're not actually dealers, so we're ignoring this too...
***also i am stoned right now

whiitethrash: i am supposed to go to some baby naming ceremony in peoria on sunday
roommatekirsten: who needs a ceremony to name something thats not going to remember it
whiitethrash: it's a jewish thing i think.
roommatekirsten: did you have one?
whiitethrash: i don't remember.



gemathy: did you read the nicole kidman article?
gemathy: I feel like I wrote it.

Roommate Tiffany's last hurrah!

whiitethrash: oh my god
whiitethrash: tiffany just got home
whiitethrash: and goes in her room
whiitethrash: and is like
whiitethrash: sasha!! are you playing a trick!
whiitethrash: and i'm like
whiitethrash: what?
whiitethrash: and she's like
whiitethrash: who put this lizard on my pillow!!
whiitethrash: and i'm like, what lizard
whiitethrash: and i go in her room and there's this tiny baby lizard on her pillow
whiitethrash: and i'm like, dude, i didn't put that there.
whiitethrash: and then she asked if you did
whiitethrash: and i'm like, but i'll catch it and put it outside
whiitethrash: and shes like
whiitethrash: WAIT ITS REAL??
whiitethrash: OMG
whiitethrash: OMG
whiitethrash: WHY IS IT IN HERE
whiitethrash: IS THAT WHAT KEPT BITING ME IN THE FACE ALL NIGHT
whiitethrash: and she shows me her chin and it has bite marks on it
whiitethrash: which are clearly
whiitethrash: FROM A BUG
whiitethrash: CUZ SHE SLEEPS ON THE FLOOR
whiitethrash: and then i had to catch the lizard
whiitethrash: and before i know it
whiitethrash: it pops off its tail
whiitethrash: which makes tiffany very unhappy
whiitethrash: and its just moving and jumping
whiitethrash: i totally see how beneficial that is for the lizard
whiitethrash: cuz even i, as a human being, expecting that to happen, was distracted by it.
whiitethrash: eventually tiffany runs out of the room and grabs a cup
whiitethrash: and is like, NOT TODAY!!!!
whiitethrash: and puts the lizard under it
whiitethrash: which isn't very helpful cuz then there's just a lizard under a cup on the carpet
whiitethrash: but i got it and took it outside and she threw away the tail
whiitethrash: and right now she just wheeled her suitcase out of the hall closet and she is going to start packing for tomorrow.
whiitethrash: sigh.
roommatekirsten: ahahahahahha

wfi BFI - buying a crummy bike off craigslist!

(i apologize for the weird format of this conversation, i was on ADIUM instead of AIM)

whiitethrash: oh man are you ready for a great story

roommatekirsten: YESSS

whiitethrash:

so i get there
his only instructions were
"from warner, make a left, two blocks a right, then a right, then a left, then the blue van is in the driveway"

roommatekirsten: AHAHAHA

did you find it?

whiitethrash:

yes
and its a total creepster van
old conversion van
dirty
cracked windows
and im like
oh god

roommatekirsten:

was he inside the van?
wearing a clown mask

whiitethrash:

and there isnt a door in the front of the house you have to go around the back
so i go around back
and ring the doorbell
and no answer
and the backyard/patio is like, 2 feet from the door
and theres no fence or anything
so i hear him back there
and peek around the corner
and introduce myself
and he is this tall
skinny
old man
with a beard
and missing teeth
and wearing velcro shoes

roommatekirsten:

oh. he must be friendly
!!!
velcro shoes
and a beard!

whiitethrash

and his shorts were pulled really high

roommatekirsten

ahaha
cute

whiitethrash

and he had a NAVY hat on
and he was like
oh sasha! oh no! i tried to call you
and he sounded sad
and he was like
i can't find that bike...
i dont know where i put it..

roommatekirsten

ahahahahahahahahahaha

whiitethrash

meanwhile i saw the bike in the driveway

roommatekirsten

BAHAHAHAHAHA

whiitethrash

and i was like - oh i think i saw it out front
and he was like
no its not there...
but i have all these others bikes!

roommatekirsten

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

whiitethrash

he had like, ten other bikes around and was all...
so i can give you one of these for 30!
this is the prettiest bike!
and he pulls out some shit junk purple bike
and he was like
i think you should have the prettiest bike!

roommatekirsten

OMG!

whiitethrash

and i checked it out
and he's telling me how he loves bikes cuz he has titanium hips and weak knees.
i'm not sure the connection between all that...

roommatekirsten

i love this man

whiitethrash

so i was like
its good
for 30$ its great
and you are the cutest old smelly toothless man ever
and he's like
do you have a helmet?

hahahaha

roommatekirsten

ahahahahahahahaha

whiitethrash

and i was like
OH FOR SURE
BUT I DIDNT BRING IT!
and he was like, good! everyone should wear a helmet!

roommatekirsten

ahahahaha

whiitethrash

let me show you what i can do!

roommatekirsten

this man is awesome

whiitethrash

and he got on the bike

roommatekirsten

abahahahahaha

whiitethrash

and proceeded to ride it
through the grass
to the driveway
and past my car
which is blatantly in the driveway
he stops and is all, "where did you park?"
uh, right here sir!
hahaha
so we go over to my car
and put it in the trunk
and hes like
BMW - that's a fine machine!
and i was like
if only you knew...
and he didn't want to scratch the paint
so he props the bike up on stuff i had in my trunk
and then he's like
let me get you a bungee cord!
so the trunk will stay closed!
and he gets me one out of the creeper van
and then shakes my hand
and tells me i have the prettiest bike
and then i left!
i actually think it needs new tires, but it's fine for now, and i don't even care cuz the story is just so good.


so yeah. here's the bike i went to get:



here's the bike i got...:

roommate tiffany update!

whiitethrash: so this morning
whiitethrash: i thought tiffany left her alarm on
whiitethrash: cuz i heard this sound coming from her room for literally
whiitethrash: a half hour
whiitethrash: but it wasn't too annoying cuz it just sounded like one of those nature clocks
whiitethrash: that wakes you up like
whiitethrash: "calmly"
whiitethrash: it sounded like a rainstick.
whiitethrash: turns out
whiitethrash: she was really just in there
whiitethrash: for a half hour
whiitethrash: playing with a rainstick.




and so the worst fucking idea would be: to NOT live with roommate tiffany!

and just in case you want to keep count, here's a list of tiffany's current possessions:

•sheets and a pillow (no bed!)
•one suitcase filled with clothes
•thirteen canisters of tennis balls
•an ironing board + iron
•a teddy bear and a bunny rabbit
•one rainstick


roommate kirsten and i give her two thumbs up.

"what the bloody hell is this!"

roommate kirsten's dad is a cockneyed british man who enjoys reeboks, tank tops, and his bulldog tattoo. his name is john, but everyone calls him nigel because that's what roommate kirsten calls him. he is also the landlord of this here house, so when all the showers and toilets backed up today, he was the one to come fix them.

todays task involed a 100 foot rooter and about five hours. eventually the culprit was found. and i hate to do this to you, especially after berating Gem for the pad picture...

but it was a clump of tampons.

and the man pulled them out with his bare hands and uttered the title phrase.

(right when the initial backup occurred earlier in the day, i looked at kirsten and i said, "i bet it's tampons. i bet you anything. and it will be horribly embarrassing and i will be speechless. this will be so awkward.")

i mean they weren't like, red or anything (i know i'm sorry!!! but i have to tell you what happened!), but he held them in his hand and tugged on them and tried to pull them apart. and since roommate kirsten has her own bathroom, which although affected by the clog was not where the clog originated, and since roommate tiffany wasn't home, she said "haha they're all sasha's!"

so there i stood, in the hallway, looking into the bathroom at the tan, sweaty, middle aged british man, holding a wet clump of used tampons in his hand, in a puddle of dirty water. on his face: a grin. on roommate kirsten's face: a huge smile. on my face: absolute mortification.

and then roommate tiffany comes home with her boyfriend, whose hands are all bandaged from a motorcycle accident, and she inquires about the situation.

and i tell her.

and she says, verbatim, no lie, 100%:

"oh my god it's all my fault! i have a heavy flow!!!"

and you know, flushing the tampons isn't the bad idea here. in fact, even though he told me not to do it anymore, i am absolutely 100% positive i will continue to do it every month. and i will encourage others to as well because the worst fucking idea would be to not do that!!! today's worst fucking idea was looking nigel in the eye, while he held a giant clump of used wet tampons and saying, "woops!".

and i wont ever do it again.

ambassador roommate kirsten meets the academic bowl.

so last year roommate kirsten and i stumbled across what may be our true calling. and no, it wasn't the female of the universe televised broadcast. instead it was the Arizona State University Academic Bowl. she and i came across it one night on campus in a little room with a stage somewhere in the labrynth that is known as the Memorial Union. basically each college at the university has it's own team of four-eight "brains", and they compete in a game show style head to head trivia-fest. with buzzers!! BUZZERS!! I KNOW. the initial step to team placement involves some sort of "written exam" that needs to be taken sometime during the first week of school. omg i love exams (NOT!) but i do love academic bowls! anyway, after watching the college of fine arts lose HORRIBLY to some engineers or science nerds or some other college with promising post-graduate careers (and no lie, between the two of us, we knew all the answers - we could have won that thing!) we said "NEXT YEAR BITCHES. WE WILL BE ON THAT TEAM NEXT YEAR."

and this is that next year.

roommate kirsten is out of town though, out of the country even, and so i just had to make sure she would have time to take the test with me. because i want her on my team! but mostly because i don't know where the office is that we're supposed to take it in, and i'm almost positive that she does.

anyway, to roommate kirsten i wrote:

i dont know if youre checking your email from across the pond but you should be.

we need to take the test for the academic bowl. we have to. that team would be so rad with us on it hahha.

and from roommate kirsten i received:


i am. im in france right now
and i hate it so far. just got here bout 2 hours ago. the french really are stupid jerk faces. ive found one nice one though and he woks at the counter at the hotel. but i did see the thing for the academic bowl and i agree. hows the house? i got you a key chain. its so stupid. ahaha

this test is going to be so great. is this a WFI or what?? here i come, WFI!!! here i come!!!

it's been a while, since we've seen your smile.

hello!

heeeyylooo!!!


okay to the point, i was originally planning to post something about how it has been a while since i last postd a WFI and that was due to the fact that i never had the opportunity to make poor choices because i really rarely left my parents' house in the week or so since i last wrote. THEN i was going to talk about how it was a pretty horrible idea to sit at home the whole week because it was my last week in tucson and blah blah blah.

BUT! i just got back to tempe to my OWN house, and i decided to go get the mail...

now in this neighborhood we have a community mailbox. like, with keys and junk at the end of the street.


i haven't been back here since like, the end of may. but the following was posted on the mailbox sometime in july. and it basically makes living in this neighborhood a pretty big WFI.

i scanned it for you! sorry it's obnoxious to read, but you know, it's been rained on, sitting on metal in 130° and probably peed on (ack! must was hands!). whatever.

the moral is, south tempe, arizona = the worst fucking idea.





so basically, a few weeks ago when roommate tiffany called me to say she was super duper scared cuz there were cops everywhere, and then i called roommate kirsten to go home to check on roommate tiffany, and then roommate kirsten called me back to tell me THERE WERE GUNS EVERYWHERE, it like, wasn't a joke.

woops!

also, i can't believe it's all in english. i'm pretty sure the three of us are the only native english speakers on the block. i'm assuming very few people (if any) "gave feedback". i wonder who is in charge of the neighborhood?

roommate kirsten has a WFI.

whiite thrash: employees waste on average 2 hours a day at work
kirsten: ahahahahahaahhahahahahaha
kirsten: id say here at megahertz [where she works (see above)]
kirsten: i waste 4.5 hours
kirsten: i guess i fill my age group well
kirsten: i should be president of our age group
kirsten:

The younger generation is used to multi-tasking and working with a lot of distractions, according to Coleman. When they don't achieve instantaneous results on work-related duties, young employees get bored and turn to other tasks.

kirsten: omg! so fucking true