Sunday, December 17, 2006

An Introduction to Ourselves.

So, we, Gem and Lewis, thought it would be a neat-o idea* to begin a blog that talked back. On a daily basis, we IM back and forth generally trying to outfunny each other. We both became frustrated with a lack of outlet to permanently record these golden instant messaging moments to be shared one day with like-minded individuals who will adore us into the fame stratosphere. Lewis thought we should have our own tv show. While I agree to a whole lot of extent, I feel a blog is the initial step to creating our imminent celebrity buzz frenzy. We'll leave the tv deals for later. Like, next week or something. Or at least until I win The Biggest Loser* and get hot**. In discussing what I'd like to see come of our creative endeavor (cars, money, know, the things Lewis was born with), Lewis suggested we write introductions for each other to help our fans get acquainted with who we are, where we've been, and what we do. What follows is our super gay rendition of an internet pissing contest. For the record, Lewis peed her pants a full 2:30 minutes before me.

* denotes worst fucking idea and/or huuuuge waste of time.

** indicates having lots of sex.


Lewis grew up a southwestern JAP with few close friends and zero asipirations. In her early high school years, she spent most of her time growing breasts and trolling the internet adoring 90s rockers. It was on this intensely crazy thing called the internet that she met Ms. Gemaleeza Rice (Gem for short). Unlike today, this was back when having online friends was weird, unusual, and creepy. However, Lewis adored Gem and, Gem, being a girl who just can't say no (to anything [srsly, anything]{do you have a brother?}]), decided to let Lewis continue to adore and befriend her. Gem allowed their friendship to solidify by way of an unexpected and important New Year's Eve phone call. Ahhhh, memories. From that point on, it has been nothing but zen wrapped in caramel, dipped in chocolate.

Since the year 2000, her blank-slate personality has been heavily influenced by transcontinental best friends Mark and Gem; the latter of which was her sole inspiration to graduate high school and attend higher education at a large state school in Arizona. Lewis has no opinions of her own and will laugh at anything that hurts someone's feelings. She spends her tender university days drinking alcohol, waitressing, printing consistently hilarious illustrations of fairly comical and unexpected animals, and avoiding doing any other school work whatsoever.

Currently single, this PYT has all the attitude and booty a white frat boy wearing a hemp necklace can handle. Lewis enjoys talking shit about unnattractive people she knows on Facebook, telling certain stories with a just-so comedy styling and candor, hating Palestinians, and consuming cheep beers in animal/flourescent party attire. A girl with many crushes, many dreams, many crushed dreams...This blog is to serve as another diversion from the things that actually matter in life.


Gem, although a product of a broken home with a sister prone to seizures, isn't just another unemployed, hard up for cash girl from New Hampshire, no ma'am. As soon as that high school diploma came bouncing through the mail (she was too busy changing her tampon behind school dumpsters and auditioning for community theater productions of "Oklahoma" and "Grease" to actually show up to the ceremony [but that doesn't mean Pomp and Circumstance isn't on heavy rotation on her walkman iPod]) she packed her belongings (all both of them!) and moved to the glittering city of Brighton, Massachusetts. It was there that she pursued her selfless desire to help those who cannot help themselves (because her contribution to the AIDS Quilt and National Day of Silence at her high school just weren't fullfilling enough and only furthered the rumors that she was a huuuuge lezbot [her words, not mine!]). She enrolled in vocational esthetic school and is now an employee eyebrow maintenance technician at one of boston's best saloons salons. When not falling face first into a fishbowl of flavored liquors (pronounced lik-KOHRS), or nose first onto a mirror of narcotics (kidding!), Gem chooses to spend her weekends seeing shitty bands that will never, ever make it, flirting with older men (who swarm to her shoulder pads and elastic banded skirts, and sweaters with the big plastic buttons on them you knowwhatimtalkingabout like moths to a flame!), and dreaming about having access to cable television and a video camera (although no longer auditioning for theatrical productions, she is very interested in auditioning for reality television programing...or so she says). Her biggest influences include, but are not limited to, Lewis, and that guy who won The Biggest Loser. Her humor is most often described as a mix between things that aren't funny. at all. and things that sort of are, or were in the late 80s.

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