e-mails i sent my mother from israel while on my birthright trip.

1/7/09
okay sooo i think my phone works here but of course i cant seem to make outgoing calls but i can check my email from it. so yeah. im on a bus to haifa right now. i made some friends at the airport. but everyone seems like, pretty jewy. there are some cool guys though. its pretty early to tell though. our group is small, only 35. the food is good. and our guard is suuuper handsome. we are supposed to get like, 8 soldiers joining us but they may all get called to gaza. i hope we get some though. nathan and i are going to try and score some drugs today. bye!!

1/8/09
i just hiked golan. or rather, for three hours i took frequent breaks and breathed heavily while tearing my pants and getting sunburned. same thing. im an indoor girl.

1/8/09
back to the kibbutz for a dinner or hummus and vegetables. i am at fat camp. jewish fat camp. anyway. then we went to what we were told were hot springs you can swim in. but really it was more like a turkish bath house that reaked of sulphr and chest hair - whatever that smells like - i did not go in.

1/9/09
yesterday we hung out in tel aviv. today we ride camels, go to the bedouin tents and at 4am tomorrow we hike masada, followed by a nature hike and then the dead sea. i hope i sprain my ankle so i dont have to do any of those things.

1/12/09
i survived the bedouin tent experience, aka sleeping in a sleeping bag on a rug in a tent with 40 other people and three bathroom stalls; in my memoirs this chapter will be called 'reasons why i didnt join the peace corps'.

letters of rec update

i got my letter of rec from professor x.

the letter included a sentence along the lines of "i recommend Lewis for the position of substitute teacher", and then some typos.

i replied with:

dear x

typos? oh, and thanks for the inclusion of the words "substitute teacher" so that i can't use this to apply for any other "credible" positions.

-s

DON'T give family members your email address.

I have one email I use to give to family where they are free to send as many fwds as the inbox can handle and I am free to say "Oh really? You sent me something? I get sooo much spam in that thing I can hardly read it!" And it's worked for years. Meanwhile, I maintain the other email pristine and family free. Only mom was allowed to email me at that address until...DUN DUN DUHHHHHHHN! She gave it to my cousin!!!! Awfulosity. I opened the email and got scared, mad, and annoyed, in that order. All before becoming entirely indifferent to the actual email content, which is as follows, creatively titled hi it's joce:

Hey girl!! It’s joce,

You better put your name down for something, even if it’s something small… like a bullet.. hehehehe, or....... A Charlie brown xmas tree... I actually asked for a boyfriend, with blue eyes, and a dog that doesn’t poop in my house.. hahah! I amuse myself... . Anyways, I look forward to hearing back from you, and I hope you’re doing well, let’s go out some night!

Love you

joce

That was way back in December before Christmas. It was about not wanting to participate in the bullshit Secret Santa my family does every year. I still haven't replied. It made Christmas a little awkward. But to be in my family you have to be good at pretending, showing up without engaging in any sort of relating, and dodging questions by shoving food in your mouth. It's rude to talk with your mouthful, afterall. I'll never reply. Let's see what that does for next year's Christmas Awkward-o-meter.

In addition, I berated my mother accordingly.

Then there's the constant barrage from my father: Did you get that email I sent? I sent you a link to the article! Didn't you watch the video? No, dad, I didn't. Because my father is what I assume would be labeled a constitutionalist and an income tax protester he sends me emails from an income tax protesting email newsletter. Unfortunately, inboxes across America bounce them right into the spam folder. Burnsauce on www.861.info and LOL email clients! That's The Man for ya! To combat the sighs and groans, I gave him my real email under a solemnly sworn oath he would NEVER, EVER reveal it to another family member without my explicit permission to do so.

So, today I get this email from my father titled, Democracy?:

This quote says it all. We live in a democratic REPUBLIC! (supposedly)

"Damn democracy. It is a fraudulent term used, often by ignorant persons but no less often by intellectual fakers, to describe an infamous mixture of socialism, miscegenation, graft, confiscation of property and denial of personal rights to individuals whose virtuous principles make them offensive." Westbrook Pegler: New York Journal American, 1/25/51, entitled "Upholds Republic of U.S. Against Phony Democracy, Democracy in the U.S. Branded Meaningless"

First of all, the quote implies my father hasn't yet realized we've been entertaining an increasingly fascist administration acting under the guise of traditional American democracy for 6 years or so. That aside...MISCEGENATION? Ok, even if a majority of Americans would agree with the quote...MISCEGENATION?

I responded:

This aint the 50's dad. Them races all be mixin! Your quote is cripplingly dated. Next time, make sure the people you send these sorts of things to are also as racist as you are.

In conclusion, DON'T give your family your email address.

i knew hanging out at the MU was a bad idea.

because yesterday, the memorial union at Arizona State University, caught on fire and burned itself down.


Actually I don't think it entirely burned down, but I did hear there were lots of firetrucks, helicopters, and even a segment on CNN.

Meanwhile I was across campus in the art building eating a slice of pizza and turning in a reduction cut relief print of a polar bear being killed by a whale. Oblivious to the goings inside the building that I occasionally venture to for bad sushi or good ice cream. Actually, the ice cream isn't even that good, but the one guy who works at Cold Stone Creamery there has the biggest biceps.

I am getting off topic.

This little email, that I'm assuming was sent to every student because I aint no member of no astrology astronomy club, was sent out afterwards. who It is lovely and wonderful and saddening and beautiful. And it makes me giggle, too! Mostly because I'm sure this is the only way a shit ton of people even knew there had been a fire.



Also, I stil have a bunch of craigslists and whatever to post, but I just don't feel like it yet...eek!

ambassador roommate kirsten meets the academic bowl.

so last year roommate kirsten and i stumbled across what may be our true calling. and no, it wasn't the female of the universe televised broadcast. instead it was the Arizona State University Academic Bowl. she and i came across it one night on campus in a little room with a stage somewhere in the labrynth that is known as the Memorial Union. basically each college at the university has it's own team of four-eight "brains", and they compete in a game show style head to head trivia-fest. with buzzers!! BUZZERS!! I KNOW. the initial step to team placement involves some sort of "written exam" that needs to be taken sometime during the first week of school. omg i love exams (NOT!) but i do love academic bowls! anyway, after watching the college of fine arts lose HORRIBLY to some engineers or science nerds or some other college with promising post-graduate careers (and no lie, between the two of us, we knew all the answers - we could have won that thing!) we said "NEXT YEAR BITCHES. WE WILL BE ON THAT TEAM NEXT YEAR."

and this is that next year.

roommate kirsten is out of town though, out of the country even, and so i just had to make sure she would have time to take the test with me. because i want her on my team! but mostly because i don't know where the office is that we're supposed to take it in, and i'm almost positive that she does.

anyway, to roommate kirsten i wrote:

i dont know if youre checking your email from across the pond but you should be.

we need to take the test for the academic bowl. we have to. that team would be so rad with us on it hahha.

and from roommate kirsten i received:


i am. im in france right now
and i hate it so far. just got here bout 2 hours ago. the french really are stupid jerk faces. ive found one nice one though and he woks at the counter at the hotel. but i did see the thing for the academic bowl and i agree. hows the house? i got you a key chain. its so stupid. ahaha

this test is going to be so great. is this a WFI or what?? here i come, WFI!!! here i come!!!

wfi: a computer in the lounge in the mexican hotel.

my parents are in mexico - oaxaca to be exact - right now and i am house sitting for them.
today i received these two emails. this is exactly as they came - with the exception of me removing stuff that is nonsensical to outsiders. ...not that this is so "sensical". but here they are, in all their caps locked glory.


this one is from my dad,

I COULD PICK UP SPANISH IF I HAD SOME MORE TIME. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CHINAMEN BABBLING AWAY IN SPANISH, ITS REALLY ODD?
SO MY BACK IS KILLING ME, AND WE HAVE TOLEAVE FOR THE AIRPORT AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING, LOOK OUT PEOPLE I WILL BE FOUL. BY THE WAY DO NOT GIVE uncle John your e-mail, he will flood you with rubbish and you will get pissed off.
that's all babe, see you in a few days, pick up all the beer cans and roches,we will inspect the house when we get back. adios sass, DAD

chinamen???

and from mom,

HEY SASHAPOO!..WE ARE ON OUR WAY TO THE VILLAGES IN 15 MIN W/ OUR TOUR GUIDE JUAN RUIZ...I JUST DIDSOMETHING STUPID AND DRANK A GULP OF AGUA WHICH WAS NOT BOTTLED AT BREAKFAST...THE WAITER GOOFED AND I AM JUST PRAYING THAT I DON'T GET SICK..I HAVE BEEN SO DILIGENT ABOUT FOOD HERE!!! I KNOW THIS WILL LURK IN MY BRAIN...HOPE THAT IT DOESN'T MAKE ITS WAY TO MY ESTOMAGO!!!!...WE JUST MET A BMW DEALER FROM MEXICO CITY WHO HAS A WIFE NAMED MERCEDES!!! THAT'S THE TRUTH AND HE CALLS HER BEEMER!!!...WHEN WE RETURN I WILL CALL U WHEN WE GET OFF THE PLANE PROVIDING MY CELL WORKS...I WILL SEE IF I CAN CHARGE IT HERE...AS 4 AMY...WHAT DOES SHE HEAR FROM JORDAN??? HAVE HER TELL HIM TO E MAIL ME BECAUSE THAT IS SOMETHING WE DO EASILY IN THE LOUNGE AREA AT OUR HOTEL...WILL CHECK IN W/ YOU LATER TODAY..THIS MAY BE MORE EFFICIENT THAN THE PHONE! XOX

U? 4?? estomogo ESTOMOGO??

jesus christ.


(image courtesy of google search: "caps lock", but only after a google search of "old people not understanding how a keyboard works" yielded no results...)