e-mails i sent my mother from israel while on my birthright trip.

1/7/09
okay sooo i think my phone works here but of course i cant seem to make outgoing calls but i can check my email from it. so yeah. im on a bus to haifa right now. i made some friends at the airport. but everyone seems like, pretty jewy. there are some cool guys though. its pretty early to tell though. our group is small, only 35. the food is good. and our guard is suuuper handsome. we are supposed to get like, 8 soldiers joining us but they may all get called to gaza. i hope we get some though. nathan and i are going to try and score some drugs today. bye!!

1/8/09
i just hiked golan. or rather, for three hours i took frequent breaks and breathed heavily while tearing my pants and getting sunburned. same thing. im an indoor girl.

1/8/09
back to the kibbutz for a dinner or hummus and vegetables. i am at fat camp. jewish fat camp. anyway. then we went to what we were told were hot springs you can swim in. but really it was more like a turkish bath house that reaked of sulphr and chest hair - whatever that smells like - i did not go in.

1/9/09
yesterday we hung out in tel aviv. today we ride camels, go to the bedouin tents and at 4am tomorrow we hike masada, followed by a nature hike and then the dead sea. i hope i sprain my ankle so i dont have to do any of those things.

1/12/09
i survived the bedouin tent experience, aka sleeping in a sleeping bag on a rug in a tent with 40 other people and three bathroom stalls; in my memoirs this chapter will be called 'reasons why i didnt join the peace corps'.

WFI - Dad the Lawyer

My dad got a speeding ticket on his way back from the casino the other night.

He is going to fight it because he thinks it was malicious. And because he has a radar detector in his car and it didn't go off, so he believes the officer is making everything up.

I am siding with the officer.

Anyway, my dad has been buying law books. Law dictionaries, law for dummies, and, the book he is most wild about, some piece of shit by Alan Dershowitz.

He doesn't read the books though. They just sit on the table.

Oh well.

temporary tattoos!

ah, passover week! aka, my birthday week! an entire week! well, no, but passover began on the 19th of april, as did my venture into My 24th year. Yes, i turned 23. and yes, i randomly punctuated some of those Letters. my mom demanded that i drive two hours down to my parents' house for seder. and, after telling her how much i didn't want to do that and how much it would totally ruin my birthday plans (of which i actually had none...), i succumbed. i caved. i went. and i brought a shiksa named jacqueline.

mother said the whole family would be there! and the whole other family we "celebrate" with would be there! and my parents' best friend from college and his girlfriend, neither of which i had met, would be there, and my mom really really wanted the whole family to be together and for me to meet the friends!!! yay!!!

turns out, my brother didn't get off work (which means his totally awesome girlfriend, who is also my totally awesome friend wouldn't be in attendance), my creepy uncle chose to spend the evening by himself (no loss really, but i had been telling jackie how creepy he was and i think a part of me wanted her to experience the weirdness for herself, but alas, another time...), their daughter didn't get off work, and i have met her friend, paul, and his girlfriend, fran, NUMEROUS TIMES. a ton! A SHIT TON. a lot!

thusly, dinner was me, jackie, my parents, paul and fran, and lynn and cliff from the other family.

i am the only jew jackie, a product of private catholic schooling and a right wing family, knows. so, naturally, everything was a little awkward. but i introduced her to matzo ball soup and maneschewitz wine so all was well.

i wore short sleeves by the way. remember this?? my parents had yet to see it. i was hiding it very well. but on this night, which is unlike other nights (joke for all y'all jews out there!!), i wore short sleeves.

and i showed it to my parents.

"here is my tattoo!"

WTF!!!Q!!!@#$#$WERASSE#WS#@#%R$%#T^U

they were not happy!!! i thought they would sigh and roll their eyes and figure what's done is done, and it was my 23rd birthday so they can't tell me what to do I'M FUCKING TWENTY THREE BITCHES!!! and i had a guest with me - you can't have family arguments with a guest! (jackie is well aware that my timing was NO coincidence - but she also thinks my mom was pretty drunk and my dad has a tendency to forget absolutely everything so...you know, maybe it all wasn't/won't be SUCH a big deal??).

in a panic - or maybe, MAYBE, in a moment of brilliance [read: another WORST FUCKING IDEA] -

i told them it was a new form of temporary tattooing! and it would be off within TWO WEEKS.


did i mention i am moving back into my parents' house in SIX WEEKS.


oh goodness!!!!!!


lord help us all!!!


and yes - that is a real picture of my father!!!