but it doesn't appear as though she was gang banged at all!
Showing posts with label drunk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drunk. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Just My Luck.
So, I really haven't been able to upload all my trip pictures because there is a limit to flicker for the month or whatever and I have 500 pictures. That makes it difficult. Anyway, I don't want to talk about my trip! I want to talk about this weekend!
Friday Night: Certified Bananas at the Enormous Room.
Saturday: Grocery shopping for party
Saturday Night: Big Fat Greek Wedding, Caroline's Birthday party
Sunday: PUMPKIN PARTYYYYYYYYYY!
Now, sure, all of those things sound fun, but in my life, there's a WFI lurking in just about every seemingly great idea.
First, I wish I wasn't going to Certified Bananas because I have so much cleaning and prep to do for the party and I still don't have anything to wear to the wedding. But! I have to do normal things and act normal so Emily doesn't pick up on the surprise part of our party on Saturday.
Then we need to buy so much for the party...food, beer, decorations, pumpkins. AND I HAVE NO MONEY. I am really screwed on this. I am hoping for a decent commission check this month or I am financially fucked for November.
Then there's the wedding, which I think will actually be fun. But I am not getting my hair done because of the aforementioned lack of time and money. AND I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR YET! It's a formal evening wedding. I am going to look so stupid because I just don't have anything. And I have to wear a dress because I am taking Mary and I can't be the girl who brings a girl and wears pants! I won't be able to take a greek boy home with me! Plus, I have to give a wedding gift, which is another $100 dollars. Also, I have no money.
And then there's the party. We invited just about everyone we know. So, I am worried there will be 50 people packed into our apartment. It could be the world's greatest party or the world's most uncomfortable party.
Then of course, there's the Emily's Birthday present surprise of us flying her secret lover in from L.A. for the weekend. It will be like a movie when she arrives at the restaurant thinking it's dinner with her sister and Secret Lover is at the table. The wrench in the whole thing is Em's x-boy who will be at Caroline's party and also our party (accidents on both accounts) who also happens to be good friends with S.L.
Hopefully the next few days will unravel neatly and with very little drama. Why do all the most exciting future BFI's have so much WFI potential? I'm sure there will be a disaster among all the WFI possibilities and I will report back. So, to our two (TWO!) fans: Wish me luck!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Gem's Date
And how was it?
gemath y: it was terrible
gemath y: he was a freak
gemath y: thank god I was so high and drunk I could barely talk
gemath y: I had an excuse to ignore him
gemath y: but I looked awesome.
gemath y: that's what's important
gemath y: it was terrible
gemath y: he was a freak
gemath y: thank god I was so high and drunk I could barely talk
gemath y: I had an excuse to ignore him
gemath y: but I looked awesome.
gemath y: that's what's important
The Duathalon.
What an awkward mess of an evening. There is nothing funny about this post except for the absurd circumstance of the night.
That morning, Billy ran a 5K and biked over 50 miles and was exhausted and sore. Kaitlin was confused and thought the two were related in some sort of Duathalon. That's when I thought of our every weekend Duathalon: drugs and alcohol.
Erin's house party in Allston was definitely a bust. There was no one there. Once again, we brought the party. I don't know why people even have parties if we aren't there. Useless wastes of time. There were a few people there (like 5) but they were all friends from the Warped Tour and/or in Big D and the Kids Table. Srs :rolleyes:. They wanted nothing to do with us and we wanted nothing to do with them. The only thing we could do to enjoy ourselves while we waited until the cookies kicked in was drink and dance. I didn't even dance much because there were too many lights on and it was just various groupings of the 4 of us in the center of the living room. It was like being on display. I hate those kinds of parties. So, in an attempt to win the Duathalon, I just drank. And I was good at that.
The myspace date was the bigger disaster though. He sort of flaked out on coming and I convinced him it would be fine if he came because it was a shitty party anyway. I was on the porch when he arrived and I saw him through the kitchen window and I knew immediately the whole thing was a mistake. He wasn't attractive like his pictures AT ALL. At least I look like my pictures!!! And when he came out on the porch, he was clearly gay. Gay like homosexual. It's sad he doesn't know it. Then he rolled a cigarette (gross) and sat in a chair with his arm across his chest like how fat girls sit with pillows on their laps. He was extremely uncomfortable the entire night. I was in another state of mind honestly. And I was comfortable there, so I couldn't relate to this guy. And by relate I mean I barely talked to him and wanted to get away from him every time I went out on the porch to try to talk to him again. It was really awful and I made sure I got good and wasted before we went to a party on Mission Hill.
That party wasn't good either. And we got there after 2 which is not too late for a Mission Hill party, but a lot of people had already left. There was cake though and it was a welcome taste in my mouth. I can really only remember how it felt squishing in my mouth and it was awesome. Then we went to get pizza which was another surprise to my taste buds. I have never loved cake and pizza more than last night. On the way home, KT, Billy, Em, Mary and me sang/screamed along to Hero, All By Myself, End of the Road, and Don't Want to Miss a Thing. Nothing says wasted like a Mariah Carey/Celine Dion/Boyz II Men/Aerosmith sing-a-long. The best part was I had my eyes closed the whole time. That's right, I was singing with my eyes closed.
Going to bed was the best thing I did last night. I think, in the end, no one wins the Duathalon.
That morning, Billy ran a 5K and biked over 50 miles and was exhausted and sore. Kaitlin was confused and thought the two were related in some sort of Duathalon. That's when I thought of our every weekend Duathalon: drugs and alcohol.
Erin's house party in Allston was definitely a bust. There was no one there. Once again, we brought the party. I don't know why people even have parties if we aren't there. Useless wastes of time. There were a few people there (like 5) but they were all friends from the Warped Tour and/or in Big D and the Kids Table. Srs :rolleyes:. They wanted nothing to do with us and we wanted nothing to do with them. The only thing we could do to enjoy ourselves while we waited until the cookies kicked in was drink and dance. I didn't even dance much because there were too many lights on and it was just various groupings of the 4 of us in the center of the living room. It was like being on display. I hate those kinds of parties. So, in an attempt to win the Duathalon, I just drank. And I was good at that.
The myspace date was the bigger disaster though. He sort of flaked out on coming and I convinced him it would be fine if he came because it was a shitty party anyway. I was on the porch when he arrived and I saw him through the kitchen window and I knew immediately the whole thing was a mistake. He wasn't attractive like his pictures AT ALL. At least I look like my pictures!!! And when he came out on the porch, he was clearly gay. Gay like homosexual. It's sad he doesn't know it. Then he rolled a cigarette (gross) and sat in a chair with his arm across his chest like how fat girls sit with pillows on their laps. He was extremely uncomfortable the entire night. I was in another state of mind honestly. And I was comfortable there, so I couldn't relate to this guy. And by relate I mean I barely talked to him and wanted to get away from him every time I went out on the porch to try to talk to him again. It was really awful and I made sure I got good and wasted before we went to a party on Mission Hill.
That party wasn't good either. And we got there after 2 which is not too late for a Mission Hill party, but a lot of people had already left. There was cake though and it was a welcome taste in my mouth. I can really only remember how it felt squishing in my mouth and it was awesome. Then we went to get pizza which was another surprise to my taste buds. I have never loved cake and pizza more than last night. On the way home, KT, Billy, Em, Mary and me sang/screamed along to Hero, All By Myself, End of the Road, and Don't Want to Miss a Thing. Nothing says wasted like a Mariah Carey/Celine Dion/Boyz II Men/Aerosmith sing-a-long. The best part was I had my eyes closed the whole time. That's right, I was singing with my eyes closed.
Going to bed was the best thing I did last night. I think, in the end, no one wins the Duathalon.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
a night of brandi carlile: or, another reason why i am "sorta gay".
so last night i randomly decided to go to the brandi carlile show because i heard she's pretty good.okay okay, i'll admit it: i have been planning all month to go because i fucking love her albums.
WHAT'S IT TO YA????
obviously i don't feel that my owning every single juliana hatfield album (including imports and singles!!!), six jordana brewster movies, three kelly clarkson posters (and her calendar) and two pairs of GAP Boyfriend jeans is gay enough, so i sometimes feel the need to seek out live music by lesbian icons. and i've been doing it for years!!!!
but last night was different...because somehow, despite the beautiful calming sound of an acoustic guitar and two bald men harmonizing background vocals...
i got into a verbal altercation with two blonde, drunk, thirty something california
the story isn't even that great. in fact the only really great part about it was that it happened at a brandi carlile show!! who does that??!! so here it is in short:
two girls = super drunk and super loud. there is nothing wrong with talking at a concert, but there is something cuuuuhraaazyyyy when your voice carries over the music, which is being run through AMPLIFIERS. like woah! i can hear every syllable! every single syllAAAAAble!!
the group behind these girls had asked them to quiet down, resulting in their extremely rude, obnoxious, middle-school like response of "NO WE AREN'T. YOU CAN MOVE THEN. OHMYGOD CALM DOWN." followed by them talking shit about the group who asked them to be quiet, but loudly enough for them to hear it - you know what i mean? there was also some neck action/snapping in the face and it was just lame.
and then i felt it... one of them tapped on my back... she wanted to talk to me...
"hey can i ask you a question??? are we being too loud??"
keep in mind, the show is going on. music is being played. and yes, they were being loud.
my response?
"well, do you want me to make up an answer? or tell you the truth? i can do either, i'm super good at making stuff up."
eek! people are watching!
blahblahblah, then they got all offended, and i tried to calm them down...
"you're drunk, you're loud, just quiet down and have fun! it's cool! we're all friends here!"
oh no! the extra drunk friend responds with, "I'M NOT DRUNK AND WE AREN'T BEING LOUD!" oh no, she put her finger in my face. IN MY FACE.
oh no, my passive aggressive form of confrontation (aka my PAFoC) kicks in and i say: "lady, that is the biggest lie i've heard all week. ALL WEEK LONG. since last saturday. the biggest, worst, lamest lie i have ever heard. out of the hundreds of lies i have heard in the last seven days, yours is number one. liar liar liar! now just shut up!"
OH MY GOD. i turned around before she could
i don't know what the WFI was here, but i just had to share that story.
also, here is my favorite piece of dialogue from the evening. setting: the nastiest dive bar of all time, in the back alley where everyone goes to smoke cigarettes. players: drunk Sarah, her friend Wasted Emily, and a Random Girl eating a Slim Jim.
drunk sarah and wasted emily are rolling their own cigarettes. wasted emily is wearing cut off shorts, and drunk sarah is wearing a wife beater.
Wasted Emily to Random Girl: I hope you don't think we're trashy cuz we're rolling our own cigarettes!!
drunk sarah: ::giggle!::
Random Girl: i'm eating a slim jim!!!!
alright! that's it! bye!
Sunday, September 9, 2007
WFI: Peeing on other people.
So I went to a party last night. A bike messenger party. After a race. In 90 degree heat. I think everyone was delirious and drunk and wet with sweat. We went for a dance party, but there were other ideas in other minds.
We arrive to the loft space and wait in a line 6 deep to pee in a bathroom with no toilet paper. Thank god for coffee filters!
I've only been in a comparably grimy bathroom in rest stops in Jersey. Also, they do their dishes in the bathroom sink. Ew.
Moving into the larger dance space filled with about 100 sweaty, barely clothed, well tattooed, long haired boy bike messenger bodies, we are all in the dark. I am alone then looking for Mary or Emma or Lola or Craig or just anyone I know. The music has stopped. There are minutes of nervous confusion walking through the steamy room thick with pot odor and beer sweating of all the boys, groping everyone to find people I knew. Suddenly, the lights are back on and a babe with a megaphone is announcing the drinking contest. The rules: You must drink a can of PBR in the allotted amount of time while everyone holds a shiny tarp above their heads. When the megaphone announces NEW BEER, you drink another. If you haven't finished your last one you are out. Last one standing wins $500. P.S. You must clean your own piss or puke. When it starts, it is mayhem. I run to Mary in the corner. All the boys are going crazy, yelling, drinking, throwing beer cans, stepping on them, spraying beer everywhere. It lasted about 15 minutes. That's like 15 beers. When there is a final winner, everyone who has a beer dumps it on the poor/rich guy. There is beer raining everywhere in the room and a half inch of liquid pooling on the floor. WE WERE HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!
Then the WFI/greatest thing happened. Amidst the mayhem, there is a guy in the center of the crowd who whips his dick out and starts peeing straight up in the air peeing on everyone in sight. Mary and I run into a corner and hide behind two other boys. This guy's bladder was bottomless. He just peed on everyone everywhere. Then someone pushes him away and yells at him and he stops peeing. Only moments later he begins peeing again. Suddenly a large, sexy black man runs across the room like a dark knight in shining armor and punches the kid in the face three times knocking him into the speakers and dropping the speaker into the dj table. WE WERE HAVING SO MUCH MORE FUN!!!!! Dude fucking deserved it! DON'T PEE ON PEOPLE!!!! I was nervous we were going to have a fight club moment, but Babe With a Megaphone goes over to calm down Sexy Black Guy and the crisis is averted.
After the owner of the loft mopped up the pee and beer and sweat, the lights were off again and the dance party was back on. We danced like we had never danced before. People trickled out of the room and we were soon the owners of the dance floor. We were maniacs. Maniacs on the floor. We were dancing like we never danced before. When we gave up hours later, the fun was officially over. We ARE the party and we were leaving.
Out on the street trolling for dirty, drunk boys to take home (the good ones were gone already), we met a girl named Padmani which looks nice and all but sounds like Pudmoney. She was a wasted riot. I fell asleep in the car and woke up to a dehydrated headache.
WFI: Peeing on people. BFI: Having the most fun friends.
We arrive to the loft space and wait in a line 6 deep to pee in a bathroom with no toilet paper. Thank god for coffee filters!
I've only been in a comparably grimy bathroom in rest stops in Jersey. Also, they do their dishes in the bathroom sink. Ew.Moving into the larger dance space filled with about 100 sweaty, barely clothed, well tattooed, long haired boy bike messenger bodies, we are all in the dark. I am alone then looking for Mary or Emma or Lola or Craig or just anyone I know. The music has stopped. There are minutes of nervous confusion walking through the steamy room thick with pot odor and beer sweating of all the boys, groping everyone to find people I knew. Suddenly, the lights are back on and a babe with a megaphone is announcing the drinking contest. The rules: You must drink a can of PBR in the allotted amount of time while everyone holds a shiny tarp above their heads. When the megaphone announces NEW BEER, you drink another. If you haven't finished your last one you are out. Last one standing wins $500. P.S. You must clean your own piss or puke. When it starts, it is mayhem. I run to Mary in the corner. All the boys are going crazy, yelling, drinking, throwing beer cans, stepping on them, spraying beer everywhere. It lasted about 15 minutes. That's like 15 beers. When there is a final winner, everyone who has a beer dumps it on the poor/rich guy. There is beer raining everywhere in the room and a half inch of liquid pooling on the floor. WE WERE HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!
Then the WFI/greatest thing happened. Amidst the mayhem, there is a guy in the center of the crowd who whips his dick out and starts peeing straight up in the air peeing on everyone in sight. Mary and I run into a corner and hide behind two other boys. This guy's bladder was bottomless. He just peed on everyone everywhere. Then someone pushes him away and yells at him and he stops peeing. Only moments later he begins peeing again. Suddenly a large, sexy black man runs across the room like a dark knight in shining armor and punches the kid in the face three times knocking him into the speakers and dropping the speaker into the dj table. WE WERE HAVING SO MUCH MORE FUN!!!!! Dude fucking deserved it! DON'T PEE ON PEOPLE!!!! I was nervous we were going to have a fight club moment, but Babe With a Megaphone goes over to calm down Sexy Black Guy and the crisis is averted.
After the owner of the loft mopped up the pee and beer and sweat, the lights were off again and the dance party was back on. We danced like we had never danced before. People trickled out of the room and we were soon the owners of the dance floor. We were maniacs. Maniacs on the floor. We were dancing like we never danced before. When we gave up hours later, the fun was officially over. We ARE the party and we were leaving.
Out on the street trolling for dirty, drunk boys to take home (the good ones were gone already), we met a girl named Padmani which looks nice and all but sounds like Pudmoney. She was a wasted riot. I fell asleep in the car and woke up to a dehydrated headache.
WFI: Peeing on people. BFI: Having the most fun friends.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
2 lame 2 b so long. sry.
So, I broke it off with that sobriety thing I was on. Although I've taken to shirley temples when out, I did get drrrrrrrunbk on monday night. And only good things came out of it, so I'll be drinking again soon. for sure. like for sure for sure.
I wanted to see some djs I read about in the paper Monday night, so I recruited Emily as my date with the night. She has not only made me dinner 3 times and drives me all over the place, but the night before I smoked all her weed and ate her pot cookies, so it was only fair for me to take her out. On our first beer, I recognized a guy at the bar who seemed to be in charge at the Certified Bananas show the previous Friday. Emily said, "We'll be talking to him tonight." So, while I was buying round 2, she stopped him to chat. When I came over he said he remembered me from the friday before and complimented me on my dancing. Em and I are in agreement that it is a compliment of the highest order. End result: He invites us to future dance parties and gives us his contact info. This is followed by more beer.
Then, we meet an Irish guy. Giggle, swoon. Fight about Michael Moore and Pitchfork. I buy us all another beer. Bar closes and we go to Store24. End result: I get his number.
So, we have a great night. We get Sunchips and vitamin water and drive home (yikes). But the non-sober driving is not even the WFI. Talking about the boys we met brought us back to Old Guy. Emma pumped me up into calling him. At 3am. Drunk.
WFI? I left a message. It went a little like this:
Ayeeeaeeeeie.
But he called back. And left a good message I returned the call and he was sweet. And we have kindof plans tomorrow morning. Before he moves away forever.
I wanted to see some djs I read about in the paper Monday night, so I recruited Emily as my date with the night. She has not only made me dinner 3 times and drives me all over the place, but the night before I smoked all her weed and ate her pot cookies, so it was only fair for me to take her out. On our first beer, I recognized a guy at the bar who seemed to be in charge at the Certified Bananas show the previous Friday. Emily said, "We'll be talking to him tonight." So, while I was buying round 2, she stopped him to chat. When I came over he said he remembered me from the friday before and complimented me on my dancing. Em and I are in agreement that it is a compliment of the highest order. End result: He invites us to future dance parties and gives us his contact info. This is followed by more beer.
Then, we meet an Irish guy. Giggle, swoon. Fight about Michael Moore and Pitchfork. I buy us all another beer. Bar closes and we go to Store24. End result: I get his number.
So, we have a great night. We get Sunchips and vitamin water and drive home (yikes). But the non-sober driving is not even the WFI. Talking about the boys we met brought us back to Old Guy. Emma pumped me up into calling him. At 3am. Drunk.
WFI? I left a message. It went a little like this:
Hey it's me. Meghan. I know you shut your phone off at night. And you're probably sleeping. And maybe even if you weren't and your phone was on and you were up or even if you woke up I don't think you'd even answer. But I'm calling cause I was talking about you with Em and I miss you and I don't think I was very nice to you the last time I saw you and I'm sorry. I want to apologize for that. And you can call me back. I am not working tomorrow. And if you don't call me back, I'll call you again anyway. So, just make it easier and call me. But I'll call you anyway if you can't or forget or something. So call me only if you want to. Okbye.
Ayeeeaeeeeie.
But he called back. And left a good message I returned the call and he was sweet. And we have kindof plans tomorrow morning. Before he moves away forever.
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Karaoke...oh, boy.
One of the lesser highlights of the holidays for me was visiting with my best friend from high school, Katie. I guess it's always a shock when you realize someone from your past is now entirely irrelevant to your life. However, this realization will neither prevent me from having to deal with her nor help me forget the whole fucking night.
The original plan was that I'd hang out with Katie the Saturday before Christmas Eve. I work Saturdays until 5pm and I had to go to work on Sunday for 10am, so the window was tight. The better idea would have been for Katie, who has a car, to drive to Boston to meet me for a drink and dinner and then head home. Perfect idea. Sensible, relaxing, fun even. But, her manipulative, ever-interfering, 50-something, bleach blonde, straw haired, too tan leatherface, perpetually dressed like a trashy teenage whore of a mother, Beth, had planned every moment of Katie's visit home and decided that Katie HAD to hang out with Kristin, Beth's latest 20 something best friend on the same night Katie planned to hang out with me. I could, of course, come along, but Beth didn't want Katie and I to play 'remember when' all night and ignore Kristin. It was quite clear at that point that this night already wished I wasn't included.
This ladies' night of fun, booze, and karaoke would take place at a local bar in Plaistow, NH called The Corner Pocket with the rest of their karaoke posse (more on them later). First, I hate New Hampshire. Second, I hate Plaistow. Third, I hate Plaistow, NH townies. Fourth, I HATE karaoke. Fifth, I don't like Katie's mom. Since Katie lives in Orlando, I felt like I really wanted to see her for Christmas and she was also bringing home her boyfriend she just moved in with, so I went against my gut feeling and agreed to this plan. I am, after all, 'the best friend.' So, the actual idea came down to rushing from work, taking the commuter rail home, Katie and Beth's boyfriend Brian picked me up, and we went home to wait for Beth to finish tarting up her hagalicious face getting ready. We would then meet Katie's fancy Aunt Nancy (who I like, huge fake boobs and all) and I would sleep over their house, and they would bring me to the commuter rail in the morning so I could then rush to work. What I am getting at here is I went way out of my way to attend this catastrophe.
I was told I would like Kristin because 'she goes to hair school.' Since I neither go to hair school, nor do hair, I failed to see the logic, but I said ok. Katie told me Beth has sort of adopted her as a daughter because Kristin had lost her mom when she was a teen. Obviously, my first question was, "Is she fat?" Katie informed that it was so, but she didn't know how fat just yet. I hoped she was, at the very least, uglyfaced. In the car, while Brian was picking up a pizza, Katie confirmed that she was, indeed, fat. "Bigger than me at least?" I asked. "Bigger than both of us together." What a relief. Then Katie said Kristin was wearing a tube top and I knew we would have at least a little bit of fun that night. Katie also mentioned she and her mother had gotten into a fight earlier that evening and that I had to be nice to Kristin. My response to Katie was, "I am 22 years old, not 15. I don't have to be nice to anyone I don't want to." Katie seemed annoyed by that and said, "Well, I have to be around my mother so, I will." I said fine, but I was not about to adopt Katie and her mother's fake personalities for the evening. I said if I like her, then I like her, if I don't, then who the fuck cares. I then mentioned how I think it's weird we're going out with her mother and Katie said, "No, my mom's really fun when she gets wasted" to which I responded, "I don't WANT to get wasted with your mom."
When we got to the house, I felt like I had just walked into a broken home. The vibe was so strange. The house was filled with Christmas decorations, but it all felt stale and forced and I got really nervous. The solution: eat pizza obvs. After watching Katie's brother Chris' dance video (he's a dance instructor [yeesh]), meeting Kristin (yikes) and Katie's wet-loaf-of-bread boyfriend, Joe, we ate food and chatted awkwardly until Katie's mom was done putting the finishing touches on her fiasco of a head. Kristin mentioned she doesn't wear underwear in passing and I realized no underwear + tube top = no undergarments at all = EL GROSSO! Joe was wearing light wash tapered jeans with teva sandals, no socks, and a t shirt with an embroidered spider. That's not a joke or anything...it's just sadly true. I was then informed of the blanket and pillows in the drawer for when we come home totally trashed so I can sleep on the couch love seat. Katie quietly told me her mom let Kristin have the guest room, you know, the one with the BED because she didn't think I was going to sleepover. I guess she figured I would just fly back to Boston. Or maybe do that thing in Mary Poppins where you wink, think, do a double blink and jump
to your destination. I decided then that I was going to go with the gut feelings for the rest of the evening cause, fuck these people amirite?
When we arrive at the Corner Pocket, the first person I see is Cindy. I worked with Cindy when I was in high school. At Larry's Clam Bar. Larryland was a family owned and operated seafood restaurant. Larry ran the kitchen, Verna ran the restaurant. Larry's brothers Sherman and Herman, sister Joanne, and daugher Valerie worked the kitchen along with Patrick, an African man from Cameroon (who was probably in love with me), while Laurie ran the ice cream section with her husband Gus. Cindy, 43ish, rides a moped, had worked there since high school and, at $7.85/hr I was paid more than she was. Needless to say, she's slow. I said "Hey Cindy!" (she was, after all, one of my daily highlights working there [second only to The Hat Lady and her boyfriend, Irving]). Cindy informed me The Corner Pocket was her hangout and she was there EVERY SATURDAY. Then she introduced me to her friends: everyone at the bar! Lovelies included the guy with no teeth, a table of geriatric couples, and a red faced lady with a cowboy hat. I felt nauseous in the smoky, dank, mustard yellow and pea soup green awful hole in the earth. When drinks were ordered (white zinfandel for Beth, sex on the beach for Katie, mich ultra for Nancy) I stuck to captain and coke. I
could get away with drinking one and say it was strong and pretend drunk I figured.
What I haven't yet mentioned is that Beth's occupation is karaoke. She has her own night at a doppelganger bar somewhere else in NH where actual deaf people have a shot at local stardom...only if the other patrons clap loud enough when their names are called so they know when go to up and sing. Because she and Katie are both born histrionics, they have practice seshes before going out and bring their own karaoke cds. This embarrasses me to no end when I realize it. Not because of the other people around, but just inside me. In my heart, I know this is embarrassing. Beth also invented something called a Twat Box for her regulars. Short for Repertoire Box, it's a box of cards for each person of songs they regularly sing with their cd codes already filled out. The performer is then to just open up the Twat Box, grab a card, and their entertainment for the evening is decided. This story is something I find actually amusing and for a moment, I thought, Let me give this night a fighting chance.
Once everyone sang their country songs and was on their second drink and I was still a quarter of the way into my first, the posse had arrived. At that point, I decided Kristin wasn't so bad and I didn't have much to make fun of her about. She's isn't ugly, her makeup didn't suck, her hair was boring, but ok, she wore a sweater with the tube top...all that was left was her psoriasis, but like, that's not interesting to make fun of. Caridee on Top Model ruined that for all of us. So, a pretty girl named Sabrina, a woman with a sad case of alopecia + fug named Michelle, and a lovely dyke named Kegga arrived. Kegga is the only decent personality among them. She dresses like a dude, has that short spiky deal going on up top, can rock the karaoke, she brings her own pink camouflage zip up beer cozy, and makes excellent lesbiana jokes.
Example:
Katie: Your hair got long Kegga!
Kegga: Ehhhh...the dyke spikes are looking a little droopy.
All: LOLZ.
Some skinny toothless dude got up to sing YET ANOTHER COUNTRY SONG while his dumpy fat wifey with inch long poodle perm humped him from behind and did that tongue licky thing near his ear and it was then that I decided to keep quiet and wait for the night to be over.
That was really hard to do actually since the night seemed to never end. I did end up finishing my drink and ordered a Heineken..again something to drink slowly. Katie then got up to go to the bathroom and I went with her. After I peed I was looking in the mirror and another woman came into the bathroom. When Katie came out of the stall with her skirt up around her waist and asked "Should I go back out like this?!" the woman cracked up while I didn't even turn around to see what she was talking about. Subsequently, that woman wouldn't leave us alone for the rest of the night and told us about 8 times she was a teacher for high school and she's seen worse things in the bathroom. THX LADY OK BYE CUL8R! I Katie's words: "If I was friends with everyone who'd seen my ass, I'd be friends with EVERYONE!"
I asked what time we planned to leave and Katie said 1...as in 1am. Being only 10:30 I pulled the old I-Have-To-Work-In-The-Morning deal and Katie said Brian and Joe were going to come around 11 and they could drive me home. Somehow in between this discussion and when the men arrived, Katie got upset with her mother and went outside. I didn't quite follow...what I did do was grab all the dollar bills and quarters I could find for the stuffed animal claw game and the m&m vending machine! I figured I could do that until the guys take me home. True highlight of my evening actually. Then Katie met her mom in the bathroom and the drama began.
They holed themselves up in there crying and yelling at each other like teenagers. Apparently the issue was that Beth had quit smoking for 6 months and was on Wellbutrin for depression (side effects include: anxiety, confusion, dizziness, agitation and also AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL while taking Wellbutrin) as well as Klonopin for panic attacks (use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while taking Klonopin) yet, she chainsmoked and had three glasses of white zinfandel. It's interesting to note that Wellbutrin's side effects include anxiety attacks and Klonopin's side effects include depression. This awkward time lasted about 45 minutes as I left several phone messages for my mom to come pick me up and made awkward conversation with Brian and Joe. And just before midnight, we were ready to get out of there just in time to avoid the people from high school that had started arriving! Things were really looking up. I guess the second highlight would be that Brian settled our tab and I didn't have to pay for a thing. FREE AWFUL NIGHT FOR EVERYONE!
On the way home to my mom's house (I opted out of the enticing loveseat sleepover), Beth apologized for ruining everyone's night. I accepted her apology and told her she still looked pretty even though she cried a lot. I can be nice sometimes. I woke up to my confused mom at 6 am and told her the whole deal and thanked her for being the best mom ever and the only one I could ever love.
Aw. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
-Gem
Ps- I forgot to mention that somewhere in there all the old people grinded on each other to the Pussycat Dolls 'Loosen up my buttons.' I wasn't drunk enough to actually barf, but I had the vom spirit.
PPs - I didn't win anything in the vending machine. :(
BTW - this post says LEWIS did it, but it's really Gem's.
The original plan was that I'd hang out with Katie the Saturday before Christmas Eve. I work Saturdays until 5pm and I had to go to work on Sunday for 10am, so the window was tight. The better idea would have been for Katie, who has a car, to drive to Boston to meet me for a drink and dinner and then head home. Perfect idea. Sensible, relaxing, fun even. But, her manipulative, ever-interfering, 50-something, bleach blonde, straw haired, too tan leatherface, perpetually dressed like a trashy teenage whore of a mother, Beth, had planned every moment of Katie's visit home and decided that Katie HAD to hang out with Kristin, Beth's latest 20 something best friend on the same night Katie planned to hang out with me. I could, of course, come along, but Beth didn't want Katie and I to play 'remember when' all night and ignore Kristin. It was quite clear at that point that this night already wished I wasn't included.
This ladies' night of fun, booze, and karaoke would take place at a local bar in Plaistow, NH called The Corner Pocket with the rest of their karaoke posse (more on them later). First, I hate New Hampshire. Second, I hate Plaistow. Third, I hate Plaistow, NH townies. Fourth, I HATE karaoke. Fifth, I don't like Katie's mom. Since Katie lives in Orlando, I felt like I really wanted to see her for Christmas and she was also bringing home her boyfriend she just moved in with, so I went against my gut feeling and agreed to this plan. I am, after all, 'the best friend.' So, the actual idea came down to rushing from work, taking the commuter rail home, Katie and Beth's boyfriend Brian picked me up, and we went home to wait for Beth to finish tarting up her hagalicious face getting ready. We would then meet Katie's fancy Aunt Nancy (who I like, huge fake boobs and all) and I would sleep over their house, and they would bring me to the commuter rail in the morning so I could then rush to work. What I am getting at here is I went way out of my way to attend this catastrophe.
I was told I would like Kristin because 'she goes to hair school.' Since I neither go to hair school, nor do hair, I failed to see the logic, but I said ok. Katie told me Beth has sort of adopted her as a daughter because Kristin had lost her mom when she was a teen. Obviously, my first question was, "Is she fat?" Katie informed that it was so, but she didn't know how fat just yet. I hoped she was, at the very least, uglyfaced. In the car, while Brian was picking up a pizza, Katie confirmed that she was, indeed, fat. "Bigger than me at least?" I asked. "Bigger than both of us together." What a relief. Then Katie said Kristin was wearing a tube top and I knew we would have at least a little bit of fun that night. Katie also mentioned she and her mother had gotten into a fight earlier that evening and that I had to be nice to Kristin. My response to Katie was, "I am 22 years old, not 15. I don't have to be nice to anyone I don't want to." Katie seemed annoyed by that and said, "Well, I have to be around my mother so, I will." I said fine, but I was not about to adopt Katie and her mother's fake personalities for the evening. I said if I like her, then I like her, if I don't, then who the fuck cares. I then mentioned how I think it's weird we're going out with her mother and Katie said, "No, my mom's really fun when she gets wasted" to which I responded, "I don't WANT to get wasted with your mom."
When we got to the house, I felt like I had just walked into a broken home. The vibe was so strange. The house was filled with Christmas decorations, but it all felt stale and forced and I got really nervous. The solution: eat pizza obvs. After watching Katie's brother Chris' dance video (he's a dance instructor [yeesh]), meeting Kristin (yikes) and Katie's wet-loaf-of-bread boyfriend, Joe, we ate food and chatted awkwardly until Katie's mom was done putting the finishing touches on her fiasco of a head. Kristin mentioned she doesn't wear underwear in passing and I realized no underwear + tube top = no undergarments at all = EL GROSSO! Joe was wearing light wash tapered jeans with teva sandals, no socks, and a t shirt with an embroidered spider. That's not a joke or anything...it's just sadly true. I was then informed of the blanket and pillows in the drawer for when we come home totally trashed so I can sleep on the couch love seat. Katie quietly told me her mom let Kristin have the guest room, you know, the one with the BED because she didn't think I was going to sleepover. I guess she figured I would just fly back to Boston. Or maybe do that thing in Mary Poppins where you wink, think, do a double blink and jump
to your destination. I decided then that I was going to go with the gut feelings for the rest of the evening cause, fuck these people amirite?
When we arrive at the Corner Pocket, the first person I see is Cindy. I worked with Cindy when I was in high school. At Larry's Clam Bar. Larryland was a family owned and operated seafood restaurant. Larry ran the kitchen, Verna ran the restaurant. Larry's brothers Sherman and Herman, sister Joanne, and daugher Valerie worked the kitchen along with Patrick, an African man from Cameroon (who was probably in love with me), while Laurie ran the ice cream section with her husband Gus. Cindy, 43ish, rides a moped, had worked there since high school and, at $7.85/hr I was paid more than she was. Needless to say, she's slow. I said "Hey Cindy!" (she was, after all, one of my daily highlights working there [second only to The Hat Lady and her boyfriend, Irving]). Cindy informed me The Corner Pocket was her hangout and she was there EVERY SATURDAY. Then she introduced me to her friends: everyone at the bar! Lovelies included the guy with no teeth, a table of geriatric couples, and a red faced lady with a cowboy hat. I felt nauseous in the smoky, dank, mustard yellow and pea soup green awful hole in the earth. When drinks were ordered (white zinfandel for Beth, sex on the beach for Katie, mich ultra for Nancy) I stuck to captain and coke. I
could get away with drinking one and say it was strong and pretend drunk I figured.
What I haven't yet mentioned is that Beth's occupation is karaoke. She has her own night at a doppelganger bar somewhere else in NH where actual deaf people have a shot at local stardom...only if the other patrons clap loud enough when their names are called so they know when go to up and sing. Because she and Katie are both born histrionics, they have practice seshes before going out and bring their own karaoke cds. This embarrasses me to no end when I realize it. Not because of the other people around, but just inside me. In my heart, I know this is embarrassing. Beth also invented something called a Twat Box for her regulars. Short for Repertoire Box, it's a box of cards for each person of songs they regularly sing with their cd codes already filled out. The performer is then to just open up the Twat Box, grab a card, and their entertainment for the evening is decided. This story is something I find actually amusing and for a moment, I thought, Let me give this night a fighting chance.
Once everyone sang their country songs and was on their second drink and I was still a quarter of the way into my first, the posse had arrived. At that point, I decided Kristin wasn't so bad and I didn't have much to make fun of her about. She's isn't ugly, her makeup didn't suck, her hair was boring, but ok, she wore a sweater with the tube top...all that was left was her psoriasis, but like, that's not interesting to make fun of. Caridee on Top Model ruined that for all of us. So, a pretty girl named Sabrina, a woman with a sad case of alopecia + fug named Michelle, and a lovely dyke named Kegga arrived. Kegga is the only decent personality among them. She dresses like a dude, has that short spiky deal going on up top, can rock the karaoke, she brings her own pink camouflage zip up beer cozy, and makes excellent lesbiana jokes.
Example:
Katie: Your hair got long Kegga!
Kegga: Ehhhh...the dyke spikes are looking a little droopy.
All: LOLZ.
Some skinny toothless dude got up to sing YET ANOTHER COUNTRY SONG while his dumpy fat wifey with inch long poodle perm humped him from behind and did that tongue licky thing near his ear and it was then that I decided to keep quiet and wait for the night to be over.
That was really hard to do actually since the night seemed to never end. I did end up finishing my drink and ordered a Heineken..again something to drink slowly. Katie then got up to go to the bathroom and I went with her. After I peed I was looking in the mirror and another woman came into the bathroom. When Katie came out of the stall with her skirt up around her waist and asked "Should I go back out like this?!" the woman cracked up while I didn't even turn around to see what she was talking about. Subsequently, that woman wouldn't leave us alone for the rest of the night and told us about 8 times she was a teacher for high school and she's seen worse things in the bathroom. THX LADY OK BYE CUL8R! I Katie's words: "If I was friends with everyone who'd seen my ass, I'd be friends with EVERYONE!"
I asked what time we planned to leave and Katie said 1...as in 1am. Being only 10:30 I pulled the old I-Have-To-Work-In-The-Morning deal and Katie said Brian and Joe were going to come around 11 and they could drive me home. Somehow in between this discussion and when the men arrived, Katie got upset with her mother and went outside. I didn't quite follow...what I did do was grab all the dollar bills and quarters I could find for the stuffed animal claw game and the m&m vending machine! I figured I could do that until the guys take me home. True highlight of my evening actually. Then Katie met her mom in the bathroom and the drama began.
They holed themselves up in there crying and yelling at each other like teenagers. Apparently the issue was that Beth had quit smoking for 6 months and was on Wellbutrin for depression (side effects include: anxiety, confusion, dizziness, agitation and also AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL while taking Wellbutrin) as well as Klonopin for panic attacks (use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while taking Klonopin) yet, she chainsmoked and had three glasses of white zinfandel. It's interesting to note that Wellbutrin's side effects include anxiety attacks and Klonopin's side effects include depression. This awkward time lasted about 45 minutes as I left several phone messages for my mom to come pick me up and made awkward conversation with Brian and Joe. And just before midnight, we were ready to get out of there just in time to avoid the people from high school that had started arriving! Things were really looking up. I guess the second highlight would be that Brian settled our tab and I didn't have to pay for a thing. FREE AWFUL NIGHT FOR EVERYONE!
On the way home to my mom's house (I opted out of the enticing loveseat sleepover), Beth apologized for ruining everyone's night. I accepted her apology and told her she still looked pretty even though she cried a lot. I can be nice sometimes. I woke up to my confused mom at 6 am and told her the whole deal and thanked her for being the best mom ever and the only one I could ever love.
Aw. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
-Gem
Ps- I forgot to mention that somewhere in there all the old people grinded on each other to the Pussycat Dolls 'Loosen up my buttons.' I wasn't drunk enough to actually barf, but I had the vom spirit.
PPs - I didn't win anything in the vending machine. :(
BTW - this post says LEWIS did it, but it's really Gem's.
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