gemath y: so, I just found out I have $28 dollars.
gemath y: only.
whiite thrash: yeah?
whiite thrash: i just spent 100, and now i have none. cuz the rest is all rent money.
whiite thrash: same boat?
whiite thrash: except i have credit cards.
gemath y: no boat
gemath y: because I have like 812 in rent to save for for june
whiite thrash: oooh
whiite thrash: yeah
gemath y: and 100 for ira, 67 for insurance, 60 for phone, 150 for loan, 200 for gym membership, and 150 for internet
whiite thrash: 2 different boats
gemath y: that I need to pay for this month
gemath y: I need like 2000 dollars
whiite thrash: ...you have a gym membership?
gemath y: right now
gemath y: I know right.
whiite thrash: if i get my 750 i will loan it to you if you want.
gemath y: honestly
gemath y: that would be the worst fucking idea.

crushing on hombres.

when your friend who is dating the head chef at the restaurant where you work says, "srsly my BF told me Miguél is married with kids, maybe you should stop flirting/touching/texting/calling/hangingout", it's a bad idea to say, "but I asked him and he said he wasn't!" And it's a good idea to listen to her and stop.





WFI of 2007 award: mexican line cooks.





(picture of los cocineros courtesy of my 22nd birthday party.)

(also: don't let my intense graffiti skills lead you into thinking i'm enojada and that i odio the cooks. because i am not and i don't. after my dos días of being pissed, i got over it and we're all amigos.)

wfi = pretending you're in a relationship.

gemath y: and he said 'well, you know my cat is dying and I've been really upset about that. and that I have to move this month. and you know I might move away right?'
gemath y: 'yes. I know.'
whiite thrash: because of his cat...
gemath y: 'well, I just don't think we can see each other that much anymore and I don't want you to be disappointed.'
gemath y: 'well...that is disappointing...'
gemath y: and that's sort of it
gemath y: and then we decided to walk home
gemath y: and talked
gemath y: and I asked him questions to help him realize that it's silly to think he's moving to california
gemath y: this month
gemath y: when his cat isn't even dead
gemath y: and then it was windy and cold and I wear contacts
gemath y: so my eyes were watering
gemath y: and he was like 'oh are you crying!?!?!'
gemath y: 'no....NO! I'm not...I am not crying...you would know if I was crying. I cry like, everyday. and this is not crying'
gemath y: and then he started to cry
whiite thrash: because of his cat...
gemath y: and we sat down on a bench
gemath y: and I said something like 'I'm sorry I can't make you feel better about your cat, but I think it's a good thing and you just have to let yourself be sad about it, spend time with your cat, and make the right decisions for yourself. it's not a big deal'
gemath y: and he was mad that I said it wasn't a big deal
whiite thrash: he is moving away and cant see you
whiite thrash: ...because of his cat...
whiite thrash: is that right?
gemath y: then he walked me to the bus...and didn't say I'll call you or I'll see you or anything
gemath y: he has had his cat for 15 years
whiite thrash: oh
gemath y: he has lived in his apartment for like 10 years
whiite thrash: then thats different.
whiite thrash: i dont get why he cant see you though
gemath y: and he has been friends with his boss and worked there for at least 5 years
whiite thrash: i dont mean to change the subject again
gemath y: so, he has a lot to worry about
whiite thrash: but
whiite thrash: dont producers know
whiite thrash: taye diggs is cursed?
whiite thrash: and he is series death?
gemath y: haha
gemath y: yeah
whiite thrash: dont put him in your spinoff.
whiite thrash: dont.
gemath y: they should know already
whiite thrash: you might as well put jennifer love hewitt AND matt leblanc in it
whiite thrash: he is a good actor though i think. and hot. he just can't be in a series.
whiite thrash: or a movie.
whiite thrash: he could probably do a play.
whiite thrash: or be on the view.
whiite thrash: hahaha.
whiite thrash: but no big roles.
gemath y: haha
gemath y: he could be on the view
gemath y: I love it!!!
gemath y: lj lj lj lj
whiite thrash: its not a joke though.
whiite thrash: i mean it.
whiite thrash: i could see him on the view.
gemath y: are guys on the view?
whiite thrash: no.
gemath y: only girls right?
whiite thrash: no theyre not.
whiite thrash: all hens.
whiite thrash: cluck cluuuuck
gemath y: omg
gemath y: this keeps getting better
gemath y: lj pls
gemath y: y u so funny?
whiite thrash: i'm pmsing hardcore
whiite thrash: im super sad actually.
whiite thrash: i almost drove home to tucson just to sit with my dogs and be happy.
gemath y: I know how you feel
whiite thrash: and i feel like never going back to school and coming to boston and hanging out with you and not dealing with anyone here ever.
whiite thrash: i dont want to hang out with anyone i know right now.
whiite thrash: not erika not kirsten not maryanne
gemath y: aw
gemath y: then don't
whiite thrash: im not
gemath y: eat some ice cream
whiite thrash: i would if i had some
whiite thrash: i have brownies though
whiite thrash: but id rather have a mcflurry again.
whiite thrash: actually i reaaally want chicken wings.
whiite thrash: hahaha.
gemath y: I came home from the break up (where we had dinner) and got two slices of pizza
whiite thrash: i think im having a baby.
gemath y: :-\
whiite thrash: i love that my break up is because
gemath y: I want a mcflurry
whiite thrash: i found out he is married with kidsa.
whiite thrash: and yours is because
whiite thrash: his 15 year old cat is walking death.
gemath y: we don't have mcdonalds open late
gemath y: ha
whiite thrash: ours are all like, 24 hours.
whiite thrash: im posting this whole conversation just so you know
whiite thrash: jsyk
whiite thrash: i almost did
whiite thrash: jsyn
whiite thrash: that would have been soooo silly!
gemath y: I actually think our breakup is because I am incredibly inadequate and barely attractive
gemath y: but I will blame it on the cat.
whiite thrash: that made me
whiite thrash: LOL.
gemath y: good
gemath y: gtik
gemath y: glad that I know

it might kill you.

apparently, pursuing a career in art was my worst fucking idea. according to a loser professor i have. lesson learned? one must not confuse a bad attitude with bad art.

anyway.

this is a great little video my brother told me to watch. it sorta made me cry. if gem had a heart, it would probably make her cry too.




also a WFI might be a pan of freshly baked brownies, episodes of roseanne, and sweatpants.

correction: that's a best fucking idea.

it's summertime. craigslist letters soon.

my new balance sneakers are all worn out from walking!

gemath y: craigslist fittmann
whiite thrash: fittmann.com
gemath y: fittmann!
whiite thrash: same creepy picture.
whiite thrash: superwalk!
gemath y: walkdance!
whiite thrash: worst web design ever.
whiite thrash: it might as well be on angelfire.
gemath y: seriously.
gemath y: superwalk
gemath y: seriously.
gemath y: haha
gemath y: this thing has to be the best joke ever
gemath y: it's fucking WALKING
whiite thrash: COMBINED WITH AEROBICS AND MUSCLE TONING ACTIVITIES.
whiite thrash: but it is not
whiite thrash: race walking.
gemath y: I was just reading that
whiite thrash: no exaggerated hip swagger here!
gemath y: race walking is an olympic sport?
whiite thrash: yeah. that is true.
whiite thrash: you must have one foot on the ground at all times.
whiite thrash: otherwise you're
whiite thrash: running.
whiite thrash: or skipping.
whiite thrash: frolicking.
gemath y: are you being serious?
whiite thrash: i swear to god.
whiite thrash: wiki
gemath y: the world is so fucked up
whiite thrash: hahaha
whiite thrash: when i write my movie/sitcom pilot
whiite thrash: it will have
whiite thrash: a racewalker.
gemath y: I want to see this in action.
whiite thrash: youtube it.
gemath y: and some fat girl saying 'that is so fucked up'
gemath y: I hope
gemath y: to be played by kate winslet of course
whiite thrash: There are two rules that govern racewalking. One is the lifting rule -- the athlete's back toe cannot leave the ground until the heel of the front foot has touched. The second is called "creeping', when the supporting leg does not straighten as the body passes over it. These rules are judged by the naked eye, which creates controversy at today's high speeds.
whiite thrash: at todays high speeds!
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: I love this
gemath y: it's a whole new world
whiite thrash: While racewalking is the official name for the sport, many people who are not familiar with the event call it speedwalking, as racers walk at a fast pace. This term is disliked by racewalkers, as it is the term that was used by those in the fitness industry (i.e. not track & field) to denote extra exertion while walking, but without any of the rules
whiite thrash: haha
whiite thrash: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
whiite thrash: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
gemath y: haha
gemath y: omg
gemath y: youtube
gemath y: they're so creepy
gemath y: I bet I could do this
whiite thrash: youd be red paddled so fast.
gemath y: haha
whiite thrash: we could do a good 28 days later parody with this.
gemath y: no
gemath y: I wish I had a direct line to snl
gemath y: like just call em up and be like 'racewalking.'
gemath y: and they'd write a skit about it
gemath y: it's a will ferrell type character
gemath y: I don'te ven know who could do it now
whiite thrash: hahahaha
whiite thrash: no
whiite thrash: maya rudolph.
gemath y: yes.
gemath y: YES.
whiite thrash: mmhmm.
whiite thrash: shes my fav of all time maybe.
whiite thrash: simply because of the versace skits.
gemath y: I feel so fat watching these people walk
whiite thrash: that was her, right?
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: donatella?
whiite thrash: this is a total worst fucking idea.
whiite thrash: yes.
gemath y: bitchachino

Definitely.

Lew,
I know I told you the other day that you're Lesbian and I am Gay. I think I even threw in an obvs.

but after last night, when you made out with a really hot, completely straight male, I just don't know. You did good, kid.

but wait. he pushed you in corners to makeout with you and slept in your bed with you and nothing else happened. you made no move. I call that a bad idea.

Lesbian.





at least you wore your hair down...for 2 seconds!

Love,
Gay.

Arizona's Worst Idea...

...can be found here.


and no, it isn't a map of Mesa.










[edit: i didn't take a screenshot when i originally posted this..er uh..post, so the wonderful collage of all the "beautiful" (read: "unique" and/or "exotic") contestants is no longer available, but now the winner is up, so here is a screenshot in case the page ever goes down. because that would be unfortunate. mostly because this post wouldn't make sense, right?]:

L&G

so gem, if you click our blogspot profile (off "le click click" on the left) our header is "L&G".

lesbian and gay, obvs.


which one do you want to be??



regards,

Lewis

awful things.

gemath y: name awful things
gemath y: like rape, murder etc
whiite thrash: hahaha
whiite thrash: this is a swell game!
gemath y: yeah
gemath y: it is
gemath y: help me out
whiite thrash: math
whiite thrash: tsunamis
gemath y: it's for a joke
whiite thrash: sanjaya
gemath y: sanjaya is awesome
whiite thrash: poaching
whiite thrash: flying planes into buildings
whiite thrash: nuclear weapons
whiite thrash: concentration camps
whiite thrash: killing baby seals
whiite thrash: animal testing
gemath y: got those covered
gemath y: more
whiite thrash: human trafficking
whiite thrash: slavery
whiite thrash: HIV
whiite thrash: catheters
whiite thrash: sp??
whiite thrash: scott stapp
gemath y: you are so creative
gemath y: this is great
whiite thrash: accidents yielding paralysis
whiite thrash: uncircumcized penises
whiite thrash: popov
gemath y: no those can be fun
gemath y: popov?
whiite thrash: its a vodka
gemath y: oh
gemath y: is it gross?
whiite thrash: you can get a handle for
whiite thrash: 11.99
whiite thrash: plastic. not glass.
gemath y: ha
whiite thrash: so yes.
whiite thrash: anyway shall i go on?
gemath y: yes
whiite thrash: ingrown hairs
whiite thrash: (what is this for?)
gemath y: you'll see
whiite thrash: palestinian liberation organization
whiite thrash: imus
whiite thrash: urinal cakes
whiite thrash: (ewwww)
whiite thrash: root beer
whiite thrash: popcorn
whiite thrash: gangreen
gemath y: I can't believe you're putting urinal cakes and pocorn on the same level as concentration camps.

seacrest is a sexy bitch!

there's something i love about a short, skinny homo with a dry sense of humor. mmm.


birthday! the big twotwo.

best idea: chocolate covered fruit (thanks gem!).
worst idea: frosted sugar cookies (no thanks, mom!).

Dear Lewis,

I have to say my favorite part about our new blog is that you post in it now. Plus, our profile is still major lolz.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my best friend.




Ryan says,"HB, SA!"

He's so sweet!

gem posts on this board. but i don't.

but i bet i'd have a lot to say on it.


-lewis

terrible guy.

Dear Terrible Guy,



I used to know a guy just like you. We were friends for a very long time. He lives in another state.



I hope you don't write back, but if you do, it better not be good.



There's no very good antonym for terrible,

Adequate Girl.

origins of the new plan; or: srsly this is the WFI.

whiite thrash: so no one has asked me out to dinner for my birthday
whiite thrash: except for
whiite thrash: THE DISHWASHER AT MY WORK??
gemath y: well, you choose your friends based on their attractiveness.
gemath y: never works.
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: so
gemath y: avril is such a fucking asshole
gemath y: you have to watch letterman
gemath y: omg
whiite thrash: i love the girlfriend song though and theres nothing you can do about it.
gemath y: I've never seen a more annoying person
gemath y: watch the show.
gemath y: definitely
gemath y: your friends suck so much
gemath y: this is why I can't visit you in az
gemath y: you have to come here
gemath y: because my friends are the greatest
whiite thrash: i need to find a reciprocating best friend.
gemath y: here's the deal
gemath y: you're in college.
gemath y: I think college is one of the worst places in the planet
gemath y: there's no way in the world you're going to make a best friend there
whiite thrash: i'll advertise on craigslist
whiite thrash: wanted: bff4life
whiite thrash: must have: spunk
whiite thrash: no: skinheads
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: wow
gemath y: you HAVE to do the craigslist thing
gemath y: to see the responses
whiite thrash: wouldnt that be so funny?
gemath y: now that's a worst fucking idea if I ever saw one
gemath y: I have to go eat peanut butter.


but first! gem had to search the platonics. sigh. winner #1!!!:



and then she obviously had to craft a letter.

A friend and I are looking at our respective cities' craigslists to determine where we should post our want ad for a new best friend. We couldn't decide between strictly platonic or jobs. The thought was that we needed to do some research in the platonic section. This activity being a continuation of our worst fucking ideas, we decided to respond to only the ones we loved.



So, I found your listing and thought it was worthy of a response. Clearly, nowhere near interesting. But, NEAT, man. I don't live in JP and I don't know how old you are, but if you have a myspace, I'll make you a blingee.



To clarify, I don't need a new best friend, she does.


i don't know if he responded. it's her turn to take the ol' blog wheel. BLOG WHEEL. you know, like a car? take the wheel? zing.

brazilians get POUNDED.

gemath y: so like, I deal with a lot of ladies each day
gemath y: and some of them are so square
gemath y: but they're getting brazilians
gemath y: and I'm just like...'does this chick get POUNDED on the weekends or WHAT!'
gemath y: and then I freak out because I think some people can read minds
gemath y: and that if a person has that ability
gemath y: they would keep it a secret
whiite thrash: OH MY GOD
whiite thrash: I THINK THE SAME THING SOMETIMES.
gemath y: and it would be so frequent that they hear inappropriate things that they could just ignore them really easily
gemath y: so I wouldn't know that they know
whiite thrash: and then i try to cover it up
whiite thrash: like
gemath y: but they know
gemath y: yeah
whiite thrash: HAHA JUST KIDDING I KNOW YOU KNOW I SAID THAT
gemath y: so I start thinking good things
gemath y: like
whiite thrash: ISNT IT WEIRD THAT WE'RE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
gemath y: 'pounded because you're soooooo attractive! but you must know how hot you are....I wish I was as pretty as you'
gemath y: and then I am like 'oh god I am a lesbian'
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: and then I am like 'that would be so weird to be a lesbian and see so much vagina everyday'
gemath y: and then I start thinking about the lesbian girl I work with and how she doesn't do brazilians
gemath y: and I think it's because she wants to like, keep it fresh
gemath y: because if she does too many she might become straight
gemath y: and this is not an exaggeration sasha.
gemath y: I definitely think these same thoughts over and over
gemath y: this girl tonight had really small labia and her like...hole
gemath y: what's the proper term for hole?
gemath y: vaginal opening?
gemath y: whatever
whiite thrash: i think this conversation should end.
whiite thrash: now would be good.
gemath y: it was like open just sitting there
gemath y: and I was like
gemath y: her boyfriend must love her
gemath y: and then I thought 'what kind of sick fuck wants to marry a wide, hairless vagina'
gemath y: and then I totally did the mental backtracking thing
gemath y: but at the end of the wax I got the feeling she was mad at me
gemath y: and I felt really insecure
gemath y: I hope this is not a part you're going to cut and paste
gemath y: unless you change your essay to brazilian waxing
whiite thrash: or now.

gemath y: you are the only person who thinks I am consistently funny
whiite thrash: i only have two friends.

gemath y: she has great legs though
gemath y: but waist up she's like a monkey version of shania twain
whiite thrash: i dont know what that means but i am really excited that you said it.
gemath y: how do you not know what that means
gemath y: it couldn't be clearer.

Karaoke...oh, boy.

One of the lesser highlights of the holidays for me was visiting with my best friend from high school, Katie. I guess it's always a shock when you realize someone from your past is now entirely irrelevant to your life. However, this realization will neither prevent me from having to deal with her nor help me forget the whole fucking night.

The original plan was that I'd hang out with Katie the Saturday before Christmas Eve. I work Saturdays until 5pm and I had to go to work on Sunday for 10am, so the window was tight. The better idea would have been for Katie, who has a car, to drive to Boston to meet me for a drink and dinner and then head home. Perfect idea. Sensible, relaxing, fun even. But, her manipulative, ever-interfering, 50-something, bleach blonde, straw haired, too tan leatherface, perpetually dressed like a trashy teenage whore of a mother, Beth, had planned every moment of Katie's visit home and decided that Katie HAD to hang out with Kristin, Beth's latest 20 something best friend on the same night Katie planned to hang out with me. I could, of course, come along, but Beth didn't want Katie and I to play 'remember when' all night and ignore Kristin. It was quite clear at that point that this night already wished I wasn't included.

This ladies' night of fun, booze, and karaoke would take place at a local bar in Plaistow, NH called The Corner Pocket with the rest of their karaoke posse (more on them later). First, I hate New Hampshire. Second, I hate Plaistow. Third, I hate Plaistow, NH townies. Fourth, I HATE karaoke. Fifth, I don't like Katie's mom. Since Katie lives in Orlando, I felt like I really wanted to see her for Christmas and she was also bringing home her boyfriend she just moved in with, so I went against my gut feeling and agreed to this plan. I am, after all, 'the best friend.' So, the actual idea came down to rushing from work, taking the commuter rail home, Katie and Beth's boyfriend Brian picked me up, and we went home to wait for Beth to finish tarting up her hagalicious face getting ready. We would then meet Katie's fancy Aunt Nancy (who I like, huge fake boobs and all) and I would sleep over their house, and they would bring me to the commuter rail in the morning so I could then rush to work. What I am getting at here is I went way out of my way to attend this catastrophe.

I was told I would like Kristin because 'she goes to hair school.' Since I neither go to hair school, nor do hair, I failed to see the logic, but I said ok. Katie told me Beth has sort of adopted her as a daughter because Kristin had lost her mom when she was a teen. Obviously, my first question was, "Is she fat?" Katie informed that it was so, but she didn't know how fat just yet. I hoped she was, at the very least, uglyfaced. In the car, while Brian was picking up a pizza, Katie confirmed that she was, indeed, fat. "Bigger than me at least?" I asked. "Bigger than both of us together." What a relief. Then Katie said Kristin was wearing a tube top and I knew we would have at least a little bit of fun that night. Katie also mentioned she and her mother had gotten into a fight earlier that evening and that I had to be nice to Kristin. My response to Katie was, "I am 22 years old, not 15. I don't have to be nice to anyone I don't want to." Katie seemed annoyed by that and said, "Well, I have to be around my mother so, I will." I said fine, but I was not about to adopt Katie and her mother's fake personalities for the evening. I said if I like her, then I like her, if I don't, then who the fuck cares. I then mentioned how I think it's weird we're going out with her mother and Katie said, "No, my mom's really fun when she gets wasted" to which I responded, "I don't WANT to get wasted with your mom."

When we got to the house, I felt like I had just walked into a broken home. The vibe was so strange. The house was filled with Christmas decorations, but it all felt stale and forced and I got really nervous. The solution: eat pizza obvs. After watching Katie's brother Chris' dance video (he's a dance instructor [yeesh]), meeting Kristin (yikes) and Katie's wet-loaf-of-bread boyfriend, Joe, we ate food and chatted awkwardly until Katie's mom was done putting the finishing touches on her fiasco of a head. Kristin mentioned she doesn't wear underwear in passing and I realized no underwear + tube top = no undergarments at all = EL GROSSO! Joe was wearing light wash tapered jeans with teva sandals, no socks, and a t shirt with an embroidered spider. That's not a joke or anything...it's just sadly true. I was then informed of the blanket and pillows in the drawer for when we come home totally trashed so I can sleep on the couch love seat. Katie quietly told me her mom let Kristin have the guest room, you know, the one with the BED because she didn't think I was going to sleepover. I guess she figured I would just fly back to Boston. Or maybe do that thing in Mary Poppins where you wink, think, do a double blink and jump
to your destination. I decided then that I was going to go with the gut feelings for the rest of the evening cause, fuck these people amirite?

When we arrive at the Corner Pocket, the first person I see is Cindy. I worked with Cindy when I was in high school. At Larry's Clam Bar. Larryland was a family owned and operated seafood restaurant. Larry ran the kitchen, Verna ran the restaurant. Larry's brothers Sherman and Herman, sister Joanne, and daugher Valerie worked the kitchen along with Patrick, an African man from Cameroon (who was probably in love with me), while Laurie ran the ice cream section with her husband Gus. Cindy, 43ish, rides a moped, had worked there since high school and, at $7.85/hr I was paid more than she was. Needless to say, she's slow. I said "Hey Cindy!" (she was, after all, one of my daily highlights working there [second only to The Hat Lady and her boyfriend, Irving]). Cindy informed me The Corner Pocket was her hangout and she was there EVERY SATURDAY. Then she introduced me to her friends: everyone at the bar! Lovelies included the guy with no teeth, a table of geriatric couples, and a red faced lady with a cowboy hat. I felt nauseous in the smoky, dank, mustard yellow and pea soup green awful hole in the earth. When drinks were ordered (white zinfandel for Beth, sex on the beach for Katie, mich ultra for Nancy) I stuck to captain and coke. I
could get away with drinking one and say it was strong and pretend drunk I figured.

What I haven't yet mentioned is that Beth's occupation is karaoke. She has her own night at a doppelganger bar somewhere else in NH where actual deaf people have a shot at local stardom...only if the other patrons clap loud enough when their names are called so they know when go to up and sing. Because she and Katie are both born histrionics, they have practice seshes before going out and bring their own karaoke cds. This embarrasses me to no end when I realize it. Not because of the other people around, but just inside me. In my heart, I know this is embarrassing. Beth also invented something called a Twat Box for her regulars. Short for Repertoire Box, it's a box of cards for each person of songs they regularly sing with their cd codes already filled out. The performer is then to just open up the Twat Box, grab a card, and their entertainment for the evening is decided. This story is something I find actually amusing and for a moment, I thought, Let me give this night a fighting chance.

Once everyone sang their country songs and was on their second drink and I was still a quarter of the way into my first, the posse had arrived. At that point, I decided Kristin wasn't so bad and I didn't have much to make fun of her about. She's isn't ugly, her makeup didn't suck, her hair was boring, but ok, she wore a sweater with the tube top...all that was left was her psoriasis, but like, that's not interesting to make fun of. Caridee on Top Model ruined that for all of us. So, a pretty girl named Sabrina, a woman with a sad case of alopecia + fug named Michelle, and a lovely dyke named Kegga arrived. Kegga is the only decent personality among them. She dresses like a dude, has that short spiky deal going on up top, can rock the karaoke, she brings her own pink camouflage zip up beer cozy, and makes excellent lesbiana jokes.

Example:
Katie: Your hair got long Kegga!
Kegga: Ehhhh...the dyke spikes are looking a little droopy.
All: LOLZ.

Some skinny toothless dude got up to sing YET ANOTHER COUNTRY SONG while his dumpy fat wifey with inch long poodle perm humped him from behind and did that tongue licky thing near his ear and it was then that I decided to keep quiet and wait for the night to be over.

That was really hard to do actually since the night seemed to never end. I did end up finishing my drink and ordered a Heineken..again something to drink slowly. Katie then got up to go to the bathroom and I went with her. After I peed I was looking in the mirror and another woman came into the bathroom. When Katie came out of the stall with her skirt up around her waist and asked "Should I go back out like this?!" the woman cracked up while I didn't even turn around to see what she was talking about. Subsequently, that woman wouldn't leave us alone for the rest of the night and told us about 8 times she was a teacher for high school and she's seen worse things in the bathroom. THX LADY OK BYE CUL8R! I Katie's words: "If I was friends with everyone who'd seen my ass, I'd be friends with EVERYONE!"

I asked what time we planned to leave and Katie said 1...as in 1am. Being only 10:30 I pulled the old I-Have-To-Work-In-The-Morning deal and Katie said Brian and Joe were going to come around 11 and they could drive me home. Somehow in between this discussion and when the men arrived, Katie got upset with her mother and went outside. I didn't quite follow...what I did do was grab all the dollar bills and quarters I could find for the stuffed animal claw game and the m&m vending machine! I figured I could do that until the guys take me home. True highlight of my evening actually. Then Katie met her mom in the bathroom and the drama began.

They holed themselves up in there crying and yelling at each other like teenagers. Apparently the issue was that Beth had quit smoking for 6 months and was on Wellbutrin for depression (side effects include: anxiety, confusion, dizziness, agitation and also AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL while taking Wellbutrin) as well as Klonopin for panic attacks (use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while taking Klonopin) yet, she chainsmoked and had three glasses of white zinfandel. It's interesting to note that Wellbutrin's side effects include anxiety attacks and Klonopin's side effects include depression. This awkward time lasted about 45 minutes as I left several phone messages for my mom to come pick me up and made awkward conversation with Brian and Joe. And just before midnight, we were ready to get out of there just in time to avoid the people from high school that had started arriving! Things were really looking up. I guess the second highlight would be that Brian settled our tab and I didn't have to pay for a thing. FREE AWFUL NIGHT FOR EVERYONE!

On the way home to my mom's house (I opted out of the enticing loveseat sleepover), Beth apologized for ruining everyone's night. I accepted her apology and told her she still looked pretty even though she cried a lot. I can be nice sometimes. I woke up to my confused mom at 6 am and told her the whole deal and thanked her for being the best mom ever and the only one I could ever love.

Aw. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

-Gem

Ps- I forgot to mention that somewhere in there all the old people grinded on each other to the Pussycat Dolls 'Loosen up my buttons.' I wasn't drunk enough to actually barf, but I had the vom spirit.

PPs - I didn't win anything in the vending machine. :(

BTW - this post says LEWIS did it, but it's really Gem's.

the origins of the blog.

The Idear

whiite thrAsh: hellloooo
gemath y: hi
whiite thrAsh: hi!
gemath y: hi
whiite thrAsh: HI.
gemath y: hi
whiite thrAsh: what is with
whiite thrAsh: people loving
whiite thrAsh: mary j blige
gemath y: she's cool
whiite thrAsh: wrong.
gemath y: she's a really great singer
gemath y: she's been through a lot
gemath y: she's smart
gemath y: she's mildly attractive
whiite thrAsh: she is annoying
whiite thrAsh: and bitchy
gemath y: and she's done a lot of different music things
whiite thrAsh: her songs
whiite thrAsh: are nothing special.
gemath y: she's one famous black lady that doesn't bother me
whiite thrAsh: that is
whiite thrAsh: a great sentence
whiite thrAsh: completely out of context.
whiite thrAsh: actually
whiite thrAsh: in context
whiite thrAsh: its still pretty good.
gemath y: it's all around good
gemath y: because it's very true
whiite thrAsh: so hello.
gemath y: hi
gemath y: I hate when people sing the carol of the bells
whiite thrAsh: what is that
gemath y: and they say gaily singing songs blah balh the cheer of christmas is here
gemath y: and they say cheer like chee
gemath y: with no r
gemath y: which is followed by are
gemath y: so ti sounds like chia
gemath y: the chia christmas
gemath y: carol of the bells is the one that's really fast
whiite thrAsh: humm
whiite thrAsh: no idea
gemath y: like hark silver bells sweet silver bells
gemath y: ding dong ding dong
gemath y: it's really fast
gemath y: it's in like, every commerical ever
whiite thrAsh: hark the herald angels sing?
gemath y: no
whiite thrAsh: that one?
whiite thrAsh: oh
gemath y: carol of the bells
gemath y: you douche
whiite thrAsh: hahahaa
whiite thrAsh: my jewsish ancestors apoligizes.
gemath y: http://www.thanksmuch.com/christmas/carol-of-the-bells-mp3.html
whiite thrAsh: ooooh
whiite thrAsh: home alone when he is setting up the boobytraps!
gemath y: who knows
whiite thrAsh: duh
whiite thrAsh: thats all you had to say.
gemath y: gaily they ring while people sing songs of good chia christmas is here
whiite thrAsh: those are pretty bad lyrics.
gemath y: chia
gemath y: this is like zen dipped in carmel dipped in chocolate good
gemath y: it's like getting a food massage WHILE shoe shopping
whiite thrAsh: that girl
whiite thrAsh: is a lesbian.
whiite thrAsh: so dont believe anything she says
gemath y: how is yogurt the perfect pedestal to hawk yogurt with the most retarded unfunny stereotypes
gemath y: I know
gemath y: she was in the murmurs wasn't she?
gemath y: and on boy meets world
whiite thrAsh: yeah
gemath y: worst fucking idea
gemath y: the board room on that was like
gemath y: lets have two women in white robes eating yogurt talking about the things they love to do
gemath y: what do women like to do?
gemath y: I don't really know, but I am sure it has something to do with chocolate and shoes...
gemath y: wtf
whiite thrAsh: hahaha
gemath y: like black people even LIKE yogurt
gemath y: they don't
whiite thrAsh: haahaha
whiite thrAsh: i have never seen a black person eating yogurt.
gemath y: me. either.
gemath y: also, the only black people I know are vegan or haitian
gemath y: yogurt is not really part of the diet
gemath y: mostly, the black people I see eating are eating chips, sprite, lollipops, or those hot fries
gemath y: and licking their dirty fingers
gemath y: also the black people I see are teenagers
whiite thrAsh: hahaha
gemath y: omg
gemath y: cheers is on right now!
whiite thrAsh: omg
whiite thrAsh: dumb
gemath y: oh man
gemath y: WHAT A FAKE
gemath y: it was a fenway park montage to the theme song
gemath y: I am so pissed
gemath y: I hate tv
whiite thrAsh: you like cheers??
gemath y: I love cheers
gemath y: it's awesome
whiite thrAsh: i never got into it.
whiite thrAsh: but i love kirstie.
gemath y: duh yoooo kno whut one dawg saiddo the otha dawg at fenway pahk?
whiite thrAsh: you are in such a mood right now.
gemath y: did you guess the answer?
whiite thrAsh: no idea.
whiite thrAsh: woof/
gemath y: ketchuph!
gemath y: no hot dogs losah
whiite thrAsh: ohhh
whiite thrAsh: hahahaha
whiite thrAsh: stop!
gemath y: stop whaaa?
gemath y: one phrase I hate people saying is
gemath y: tha truth a tha mattah is...
whiite thrAsh: i hate
whiite thrAsh: in my honest opinion
gemath y: I hate in my humble opinion
gemath y: or when people do the imho
gemath y: yes, yes you are a ho
whiite thrAsh: i HATE that
gemath y: because they're usually prefacing a really NOT humble opinion
gemath y: and they're just trying to be condescending
gemath y: while shoving their opinion at your face
gemath y: I bet they spit when they talk too
gemath y: they're those kind of people
gemath y: they
gemath y: shoe shopping for chocolate covered heels
gemath y: FUCK. YOU. LEZ.
whiite thrAsh: mm double stuff oreos
gemath y: my dad is fixing the camera so I can make my audition tape btw
whiite thrAsh: yes!
whiite thrAsh: im gunna be so jealous when you get stupid hot after the show
gemath y: I love how I keep talking like I am actually on the show already
whiite thrAsh: i think
whiite thrAsh: you and i
whiite thrAsh: could have our own show
whiite thrAsh: or blog
whiite thrAsh: best blog ever
gemath y: blog is too much effort isn't it?
whiite thrAsh: cuz we're funnier than perez
gemath y: let's start it
whiite thrAsh: i dont even know how to begin
gemath y: just set something up
gemath y: and we can both have the password
gemath y: and we'll just write entries
gemath y: funny things
gemath y: and links and stories
whiite thrAsh: k
gemath y: and don't give the link out to anyone until we're sure it's funny.
gemath y: if it ends up being stupid, we will give up
gemath y: and just try to get a tv show
whiite thrAsh: whats our title?
gemath y: you think of it
gemath y: can we change it?
whiite thrAsh: i think so
gemath y: bi...
gemath y: bihilarious
gemath y: bifunny
gemath y: get it?
gemath y: it's cause we're straight lesbos? and hilarious?
whiite thrAsh: yes
gemath y: uhhhh
whiite thrAsh: that can be our url
whiite thrAsh: bifunny
gemath y: it makes me giggle
whiite thrAsh: omg youre gnna love it
gemath y: love what?
whiite thrAsh: http://worstfuckingidea.blogspot.com/
whiite thrAsh: hahahaha
gemath y: awesome!
whiite thrAsh: i am LOLing
gemath y: so good
gemath y: we can write about all the stupid ideas we have
gemath y: like going on the biggest loser
whiite thrAsh: maybe it should be like
whiite thrAsh: sorta like us responding to each other?
gemath y: yes
gemath y: like a journal where someone answers you
whiite thrAsh: like
whiite thrAsh: a dialogue between us
gemath y: remember when we used to do that with posts?
whiite thrAsh: between two internet friends
gemath y: and you'd be like
gemath y: check now
gemath y: posted
whiite thrAsh: yes haha
whiite thrAsh: and once we have like
whiite thrAsh: a lot of material
gemath y: post2u!
whiite thrAsh: we can start telling people about it
gemath y: yeah
gemath y: and this idea
whiite thrAsh: omg im excited
gemath y: the idea of having it and getting 'material'
gemath y: will be one of the worst fucking ideas
whiite thrAsh: hahaha
gemath y: numero uno!
whiite thrAsh: when we end the blog
whiite thrAsh: we can be like
whiite thrAsh: wasnt this blog
whiite thrAsh: the worst fucking idea?
whiite thrAsh: hahaha
gemath y: hhaha
whiite thrAsh: lets write our profile
gemath y: I love how we already have the 'ending' written
gemath y: like there is ever an ending for blogs
whiite thrAsh: hahaha
gemath y: u so stupid sill-eeee
gemath y: can I sign in?
gemath y: walk me through it
whiite thrAsh: ill tell you in a minute
gemath y: are you going to be yogurtz?
gemath y: cause that's gay
whiite thrAsh: well its always guna sign it with something there
whiite thrAsh: we can change it to whatever
whiite thrAsh: WFI
gemath y: hmmm
whiite thrAsh: we have to individually sign our names
gemath y: what do I want to be called.
whiite thrAsh: each time we post something
gemath y: k
gemath y: what do you want to be called
whiite thrAsh: are we using fake names?
gemath y: you can post your art and I can make fun of it
gemath y: so awesome
whiite thrAsh: yeah
whiite thrAsh: that should be a first.
gemath y: well, let's do fake ones until we get superfamous
whiite thrAsh: hahaha
gemath y: yes
gemath y: I don't mind being gem
whiite thrAsh: hummm
whiite thrAsh: pick a name
whiite thrAsh: any name
gemath y: no
gemath y: you
whiite thrAsh: i sorta feel like this conversation about the blog should be the first entry.
gemath y: this is your idear
gemath y: you betch your bippy it will be
whiite thrAsh: haha
gemath y: that's how the blog will be btw
whiite thrAsh: i think i had a grandma named bippy once.
whiite thrAsh: named*
gemath y: I'll post mildly funny stuff and you'll be like HAHA
whiite thrAsh: HAHA
whiite thrAsh: yourebrilliant.
gemath y: and I'll be like, u r soooo gay!
gemath y: you can be bippy
gemath y: and I'll be bappy
whiite thrAsh: no!
whiite thrAsh: thats
whiite thrAsh: gay
whiite thrAsh: if you look up gay in the dictionary
gemath y: like your vagina?
whiite thrAsh: it says
gemath y: bippy bappy!
whiite thrAsh: "you be bippy and i'll be bappy"
whiite thrAsh: (adj)
gemath y: that killers song that came out this year was so bad
whiite thrAsh: wow, a new topic so soon.
gemath y: panic at the disco isn't good either
whiite thrAsh: cant stand them.
gemath y: oh we'll go back do'nt worry
whiite thrAsh: if you dont pick a name
whiite thrAsh: im going to call you rory
gemath y: what are you going to be
gemath y: they have to sound good together
whiite thrAsh: where do you live by the way?
whiite thrAsh: youre rory and i'm delilah
gemath y: brighton?
whiite thrAsh: right.
gemath y: I'll just be gem
gemath y: and you just be....
whiite thrAsh: uh huh.
gemath y: lewis?
gemath y: gem and lewis?
gemath y: that sounds cute
whiite thrAsh: siiigh.
gemath y: fine
gemath y: big tits mcgee?
whiite thrAsh: lewis.
gemath y: what?
whiite thrAsh: about me:
whiite thrAsh: i'll write yours
whiite thrAsh: you write mine
gemath y: ooh ok
whiite thrAsh: no more than 500 words for you.
gemath y: do I need to sign up for something
gemath y: what's your name?
whiite thrAsh: but you cant be signed in doing things while i am
whiite thrAsh: lewis i guess
whiite thrAsh: should we write these in 3rd person or 1st person?
gemath y: 3rd
whiite thrAsh: wait
whiite thrAsh: should we include a how we know each other part too?
gemath y: no
gemath y: no.
gemath y: way.
whiite thrAsh: hahaa
whiite thrAsh: k
whiite thrAsh: are you being nice? cuz i'm being nice.
whiite thrAsh: funny, but nice.
gemath y: I don't know
whiite thrAsh: not good.
gemath y: let me read yours so I can get the tone
whiite thrAsh: gem leaps into the 21st century with her phd in eyebrow maintenance and makeup repair.
whiite thrAsh: thats all i wrote so far
whiite thrAsh: gem leaps into the 21st century with her phd in eyebrow maintenance and makeup repair. she's not an elitist, she's just usually more right about things and better dressed at the party than you are.
whiite thrAsh: ...is brighton in mass?
whiite thrAsh: or nh
whiite thrAsh: actually i guess we could post longer bios as an entry
whiite thrAsh: and put a link to the first entry on the menu
whiite thrAsh: under the name...
whiite thrAsh: "bios"
whiite thrAsh: so write as much as you want.
whiite thrAsh: HEY YOU ANSWER ME.
gemath y: I am writing
gemath y: answer what?
whiite thrAsh: let me see what you have
gemath y: no
whiite thrAsh: fuck you asshole
whiite thrAsh: i showed you mine
gemath y: I don't even know if I am going to keep any of it
whiite thrAsh: god if i had a nickel...
gemath y: I am just writing what comes to mind
gemath y: aw
gemath y: you know I don't believe in god
whiite thrAsh: let me guess
whiite thrAsh: "bitch bitch bitch $$$ lazy not funny"
whiite thrAsh: what did oy used to do in hghschool? the musicals or something?
whiite thrAsh: im gunna say you designed all the costumes.
gemath y: I did musicals and plays
gemath y: I did not design costumes
gemath y: I was awful
gemath y: and should never have done theater
whiite thrAsh: humm
gemath y: I did organize the aids quilt and the day of silence at my school
gemath y: confirming all suspicions I was a biiiiiiig lezbot
whiite thrAsh: hahahaha
gemath y: so feel free to include that
whiite thrAsh: i am LOLing.
whiite thrAsh: fyi.
gemath y: ok
gemath y: I bet
gemath y: let me work some other things out
whiite thrAsh: k
gemath y: I have something else I just thought of
whiite thrAsh: humm
gemath y: I am doing so well with these additions
whiite thrAsh: haha
whiite thrAsh: what kind of school did you go to?
whiite thrAsh: to become whatever it is that you are?
gemath y: esthetic school
gemathy: I feel like mine is an accurate representation of you
whiite thrAsh: it is
whiite thrAsh: now i have to fit in
whiite thrAsh: allt he real stuff
gemathy: and that is just about someone else up there :-)
gemathy: but that's hilarious
gemathy: omg the last line is the best
whiite thrAsh: yeah??
whiite thrAsh: i like it too.
gemathy: I moved to BOSTON
gemathy: not brighton
gemathy: I live in brighton now
gemathy: which is technically boston
whiite thrAsh: im gunna keep brighton.
gemathy: also
gemathy: I drink alcohol
whiite thrAsh: what else do yo want me to mention?
gemathy: a lot
whiite thrAsh: i hadno idea
gemathy: like, so often
whiite thrAsh: ill chage it
gemathy: you could say I turn my nose up to social interaction
gemathy: yeah
gemathy: but that's awesome
gemathy: you think my humor is 80s?
whiite thrAsh: i dunno i justtoght it was fnny sounding
gemathy: because I love who's the boss?
gemathy: I dress like an old lady btw
gemathy: you could say that
gemathy: instead of 80s
gemathy: or all things that sort of are, or were, an episode of Golden Girls
gemathy: ha
gemathy: or alf
gemathy: or Kate and Aly
gemathy: or Cheers
gemathy: remember tony micely?
gemathy: and his blue van?
gemathy: and mona
gemathy: oh man
gemathy: mona cracked. me. up.

An Introduction to Ourselves.

So, we, Gem and Lewis, thought it would be a neat-o idea* to begin a blog that talked back. On a daily basis, we IM back and forth generally trying to outfunny each other. We both became frustrated with a lack of outlet to permanently record these golden instant messaging moments to be shared one day with like-minded individuals who will adore us into the fame stratosphere. Lewis thought we should have our own tv show. While I agree to a whole lot of extent, I feel a blog is the initial step to creating our imminent celebrity buzz frenzy. We'll leave the tv deals for later. Like, next week or something. Or at least until I win The Biggest Loser* and get hot**. In discussing what I'd like to see come of our creative endeavor (cars, money, drugs...you know, the things Lewis was born with), Lewis suggested we write introductions for each other to help our fans get acquainted with who we are, where we've been, and what we do. What follows is our super gay rendition of an internet pissing contest. For the record, Lewis peed her pants a full 2:30 minutes before me.

* denotes worst fucking idea and/or huuuuge waste of time.

** indicates having lots of sex.

Lewis

Lewis grew up a southwestern JAP with few close friends and zero asipirations. In her early high school years, she spent most of her time growing breasts and trolling the internet adoring 90s rockers. It was on this intensely crazy thing called the internet that she met Ms. Gemaleeza Rice (Gem for short). Unlike today, this was back when having online friends was weird, unusual, and creepy. However, Lewis adored Gem and, Gem, being a girl who just can't say no (to anything [srsly, anything]{do you have a brother?}]), decided to let Lewis continue to adore and befriend her. Gem allowed their friendship to solidify by way of an unexpected and important New Year's Eve phone call. Ahhhh, memories. From that point on, it has been nothing but zen wrapped in caramel, dipped in chocolate.


Since the year 2000, her blank-slate personality has been heavily influenced by transcontinental best friends Mark and Gem; the latter of which was her sole inspiration to graduate high school and attend higher education at a large state school in Arizona. Lewis has no opinions of her own and will laugh at anything that hurts someone's feelings. She spends her tender university days drinking alcohol, waitressing, printing consistently hilarious illustrations of fairly comical and unexpected animals, and avoiding doing any other school work whatsoever.


Currently single, this PYT has all the attitude and booty a white frat boy wearing a hemp necklace can handle. Lewis enjoys talking shit about unnattractive people she knows on Facebook, telling certain stories with a just-so comedy styling and candor, hating Palestinians, and consuming cheep beers in animal/flourescent party attire. A girl with many crushes, many dreams, many crushed dreams...This blog is to serve as another diversion from the things that actually matter in life.

Gem

Gem, although a product of a broken home with a sister prone to seizures, isn't just another unemployed, hard up for cash girl from New Hampshire, no ma'am. As soon as that high school diploma came bouncing through the mail (she was too busy changing her tampon behind school dumpsters and auditioning for community theater productions of "Oklahoma" and "Grease" to actually show up to the ceremony [but that doesn't mean Pomp and Circumstance isn't on heavy rotation on her walkman iPod]) she packed her belongings (all both of them!) and moved to the glittering city of Brighton, Massachusetts. It was there that she pursued her selfless desire to help those who cannot help themselves (because her contribution to the AIDS Quilt and National Day of Silence at her high school just weren't fullfilling enough and only furthered the rumors that she was a huuuuge lezbot [her words, not mine!]). She enrolled in vocational esthetic school and is now an employee eyebrow maintenance technician at one of boston's best saloons salons. When not falling face first into a fishbowl of flavored liquors (pronounced lik-KOHRS), or nose first onto a mirror of narcotics (kidding!), Gem chooses to spend her weekends seeing shitty bands that will never, ever make it, flirting with older men (who swarm to her shoulder pads and elastic banded skirts, and sweaters with the big plastic buttons on them you knowwhatimtalkingabout like moths to a flame!), and dreaming about having access to cable television and a video camera (although no longer auditioning for theatrical productions, she is very interested in auditioning for reality television programing...or so she says). Her biggest influences include, but are not limited to, Lewis, and that guy who won The Biggest Loser. Her humor is most often described as a mix between things that aren't funny. at all. and things that sort of are, or were in the late 80s.