•Tomorrow I will write my screenplay/mockumentary/musical/children's book.
•I should start to write my biography, entitled, "How to Get Through College in Five Years Without Doing too Much", but Meghan isn't online, so I'll do that tomorrow.
•Maybe I should apply for a job that isn't listed on Craigslist...but there's not enough time today, so I will do that tomorrow.
•I should wash my hair...but I have no plans for today, so I will do it tomorrow, because I might actually leave the house tomorrow, and then I'll have fresh hair.
•I need to get all the dust off the ceiling fan cuz i think it's affecting my allergies. (there is no set time frame)
•I sure could use a daily serving of vegetables. Maybe I can put V8 in my vodka? I will buy some tomorrow.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
WFI: Packing to move, BFI: Procrastinating.
Dear Whole Foods store in Brighton, MA,
First, I am an adult, I promise. And, while this may seem like whining, I really don't want it to come off that way. What might be unimportant to your staff made a pretty major change in my schedule. And, for that, I pretty much hate you guys.
So, I am moving and need some boxes. Moving can be a pretty stressful thing as I'm sure you know well and I am relying on two days off (one of them being today) to accomplish packing. Last year, you guys were really kind to save some for me. This year, I decided to call you again for boxes to move. Yeah, sure, carrying 7 boxes back to my apartment in oppressive humidity last July was fairly intolerable, but the obtainment of the boxes was so smooth thanks to a larger older fellow, I decided to try again. Plus, the weather this weekend is so much cooler. So, I called ahead last night to see if there were boxes available and after an odd and confusing exchange at the front desk where a woman told me there would be no boxes available because they are all immediately compacted and there wouldn't be any until the next day however there won't actually be any tomorrow (Sunday), I was thankfully transferred to grocery. There, a young guy told me there WERE boxes and I asked if he could stick a post-it note on them to save them for me when I pick them up at 10 am in the morning. He said that was totally unnecessary, no one would touch them and to call in the morning. So, I did. And another young guy this morning says no, there are no boxes saved and no boxes available and to call back at 1pm.
Well, that was 9:30am and I planned to start packing after picking the boxes up at 10am. This really puts a huge delay in my whole schedule. Not just my packing schedule, but my LIFE schedule. I feel like I did everything I could possibly do to make sure I would have boxes and your store lacks a proper system to assist customers with their amateur recycling endeavors. This wasn't a last minute dash at all. I called ahead! Twice! And not one, but two people lied to me. Hell, maybe even more. At this point, the process of collecting these boxes was so botched and laden with misinformation, I can't figure out where it all when wrong.
So, I know this isn't a big deal in the grocery world, but, in Meghan world, it was a really annoying inconvenience and a major setback to moving forward in my life; pun intended. If your staff was more organized, informed, and possibly more friendly (read: not imbecilic liars), I don't think this would have happened today. After reviewing your Core Values, I'd say this issue is violating at least 4 of them. Above all, this interaction with your staff lacked integrity and respect. If your stores are charging so much for groceries, you should probably train your staff in basic customer service. And, also, stop hiring liars.
Most sincerely,
Meghan.
I fucking hate moving.
First, I am an adult, I promise. And, while this may seem like whining, I really don't want it to come off that way. What might be unimportant to your staff made a pretty major change in my schedule. And, for that, I pretty much hate you guys.
So, I am moving and need some boxes. Moving can be a pretty stressful thing as I'm sure you know well and I am relying on two days off (one of them being today) to accomplish packing. Last year, you guys were really kind to save some for me. This year, I decided to call you again for boxes to move. Yeah, sure, carrying 7 boxes back to my apartment in oppressive humidity last July was fairly intolerable, but the obtainment of the boxes was so smooth thanks to a larger older fellow, I decided to try again. Plus, the weather this weekend is so much cooler. So, I called ahead last night to see if there were boxes available and after an odd and confusing exchange at the front desk where a woman told me there would be no boxes available because they are all immediately compacted and there wouldn't be any until the next day however there won't actually be any tomorrow (Sunday), I was thankfully transferred to grocery. There, a young guy told me there WERE boxes and I asked if he could stick a post-it note on them to save them for me when I pick them up at 10 am in the morning. He said that was totally unnecessary, no one would touch them and to call in the morning. So, I did. And another young guy this morning says no, there are no boxes saved and no boxes available and to call back at 1pm.
Well, that was 9:30am and I planned to start packing after picking the boxes up at 10am. This really puts a huge delay in my whole schedule. Not just my packing schedule, but my LIFE schedule. I feel like I did everything I could possibly do to make sure I would have boxes and your store lacks a proper system to assist customers with their amateur recycling endeavors. This wasn't a last minute dash at all. I called ahead! Twice! And not one, but two people lied to me. Hell, maybe even more. At this point, the process of collecting these boxes was so botched and laden with misinformation, I can't figure out where it all when wrong.
So, I know this isn't a big deal in the grocery world, but, in Meghan world, it was a really annoying inconvenience and a major setback to moving forward in my life; pun intended. If your staff was more organized, informed, and possibly more friendly (read: not imbecilic liars), I don't think this would have happened today. After reviewing your Core Values, I'd say this issue is violating at least 4 of them. Above all, this interaction with your staff lacked integrity and respect. If your stores are charging so much for groceries, you should probably train your staff in basic customer service. And, also, stop hiring liars.
Most sincerely,
Meghan.
I fucking hate moving.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
gemath y: so, I just found out I have $28 dollars.
gemath y: only.
whiite thrash: yeah?
whiite thrash: i just spent 100, and now i have none. cuz the rest is all rent money.
whiite thrash: same boat?
whiite thrash: except i have credit cards.
gemath y: no boat
gemath y: because I have like 812 in rent to save for for june
whiite thrash: oooh
whiite thrash: yeah
gemath y: and 100 for ira, 67 for insurance, 60 for phone, 150 for loan, 200 for gym membership, and 150 for internet
whiite thrash: 2 different boats
gemath y: that I need to pay for this month
gemath y: I need like 2000 dollars
whiite thrash: ...you have a gym membership?
gemath y: right now
gemath y: I know right.
whiite thrash: if i get my 750 i will loan it to you if you want.
gemath y: honestly
gemath y: that would be the worst fucking idea.
gemath y: only.
whiite thrash: yeah?
whiite thrash: i just spent 100, and now i have none. cuz the rest is all rent money.
whiite thrash: same boat?
whiite thrash: except i have credit cards.
gemath y: no boat
gemath y: because I have like 812 in rent to save for for june
whiite thrash: oooh
whiite thrash: yeah
gemath y: and 100 for ira, 67 for insurance, 60 for phone, 150 for loan, 200 for gym membership, and 150 for internet
whiite thrash: 2 different boats
gemath y: that I need to pay for this month
gemath y: I need like 2000 dollars
whiite thrash: ...you have a gym membership?
gemath y: right now
gemath y: I know right.
whiite thrash: if i get my 750 i will loan it to you if you want.
gemath y: honestly
gemath y: that would be the worst fucking idea.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
crushing on hombres.
when your friend who is dating the head chef at the restaurant where you work says, "srsly my BF told me Miguél is married with kids, maybe you should stop flirting/touching/texting/calling/hangingout", it's a bad idea to say, "but I asked him and he said he wasn't!" And it's a good idea to listen to her and stop.
WFI of 2007 award: mexican line cooks.
(picture of los cocineros courtesy of my 22nd birthday party.)
(also: don't let my intense graffiti skills lead you into thinking i'm enojada and that i odio the cooks. because i am not and i don't. after my dos días of being pissed, i got over it and we're all amigos.)
WFI of 2007 award: mexican line cooks.
(picture of los cocineros courtesy of my 22nd birthday party.)
(also: don't let my intense graffiti skills lead you into thinking i'm enojada and that i odio the cooks. because i am not and i don't. after my dos días of being pissed, i got over it and we're all amigos.)
Thursday, May 3, 2007
wfi = pretending you're in a relationship.
gemath y: and he said 'well, you know my cat is dying and I've been really upset about that. and that I have to move this month. and you know I might move away right?'
gemath y: 'yes. I know.'
whiite thrash: because of his cat...
gemath y: 'well, I just don't think we can see each other that much anymore and I don't want you to be disappointed.'
gemath y: 'well...that is disappointing...'
gemath y: and that's sort of it
gemath y: and then we decided to walk home
gemath y: and talked
gemath y: and I asked him questions to help him realize that it's silly to think he's moving to california
gemath y: this month
gemath y: when his cat isn't even dead
gemath y: and then it was windy and cold and I wear contacts
gemath y: so my eyes were watering
gemath y: and he was like 'oh are you crying!?!?!'
gemath y: 'no....NO! I'm not...I am not crying...you would know if I was crying. I cry like, everyday. and this is not crying'
gemath y: and then he started to cry
whiite thrash: because of his cat...
gemath y: and we sat down on a bench
gemath y: and I said something like 'I'm sorry I can't make you feel better about your cat, but I think it's a good thing and you just have to let yourself be sad about it, spend time with your cat, and make the right decisions for yourself. it's not a big deal'
gemath y: and he was mad that I said it wasn't a big deal
whiite thrash: he is moving away and cant see you
whiite thrash: ...because of his cat...
whiite thrash: is that right?
gemath y: then he walked me to the bus...and didn't say I'll call you or I'll see you or anything
gemath y: he has had his cat for 15 years
whiite thrash: oh
gemath y: he has lived in his apartment for like 10 years
whiite thrash: then thats different.
whiite thrash: i dont get why he cant see you though
gemath y: and he has been friends with his boss and worked there for at least 5 years
whiite thrash: i dont mean to change the subject again
gemath y: so, he has a lot to worry about
whiite thrash: but
whiite thrash: dont producers know
whiite thrash: taye diggs is cursed?
whiite thrash: and he is series death?
gemath y: haha
gemath y: yeah
whiite thrash: dont put him in your spinoff.
whiite thrash: dont.
gemath y: they should know already
whiite thrash: you might as well put jennifer love hewitt AND matt leblanc in it
whiite thrash: he is a good actor though i think. and hot. he just can't be in a series.
whiite thrash: or a movie.
whiite thrash: he could probably do a play.
whiite thrash: or be on the view.
whiite thrash: hahaha.
whiite thrash: but no big roles.
gemath y: haha
gemath y: he could be on the view
gemath y: I love it!!!
gemath y: lj lj lj lj
whiite thrash: its not a joke though.
whiite thrash: i mean it.
whiite thrash: i could see him on the view.
gemath y: are guys on the view?
whiite thrash: no.
gemath y: only girls right?
whiite thrash: no theyre not.
whiite thrash: all hens.
whiite thrash: cluck cluuuuck
gemath y: omg
gemath y: this keeps getting better
gemath y: lj pls
gemath y: y u so funny?
whiite thrash: i'm pmsing hardcore
whiite thrash: im super sad actually.
whiite thrash: i almost drove home to tucson just to sit with my dogs and be happy.
gemath y: I know how you feel
whiite thrash: and i feel like never going back to school and coming to boston and hanging out with you and not dealing with anyone here ever.
whiite thrash: i dont want to hang out with anyone i know right now.
whiite thrash: not erika not kirsten not maryanne
gemath y: aw
gemath y: then don't
whiite thrash: im not
gemath y: eat some ice cream
whiite thrash: i would if i had some
whiite thrash: i have brownies though
whiite thrash: but id rather have a mcflurry again.
whiite thrash: actually i reaaally want chicken wings.
whiite thrash: hahaha.
gemath y: I came home from the break up (where we had dinner) and got two slices of pizza
whiite thrash: i think im having a baby.
gemath y: :-\
whiite thrash: i love that my break up is because
gemath y: I want a mcflurry
whiite thrash: i found out he is married with kidsa.
whiite thrash: and yours is because
whiite thrash: his 15 year old cat is walking death.
gemath y: we don't have mcdonalds open late
gemath y: ha
whiite thrash: ours are all like, 24 hours.
whiite thrash: im posting this whole conversation just so you know
whiite thrash: jsyk
whiite thrash: i almost did
whiite thrash: jsyn
whiite thrash: that would have been soooo silly!
gemath y: I actually think our breakup is because I am incredibly inadequate and barely attractive
gemath y: but I will blame it on the cat.
whiite thrash: that made me
whiite thrash: LOL.
gemath y: good
gemath y: gtik
gemath y: glad that I know
gemath y: 'yes. I know.'
whiite thrash: because of his cat...
gemath y: 'well, I just don't think we can see each other that much anymore and I don't want you to be disappointed.'
gemath y: 'well...that is disappointing...'
gemath y: and that's sort of it
gemath y: and then we decided to walk home
gemath y: and talked
gemath y: and I asked him questions to help him realize that it's silly to think he's moving to california
gemath y: this month
gemath y: when his cat isn't even dead
gemath y: and then it was windy and cold and I wear contacts
gemath y: so my eyes were watering
gemath y: and he was like 'oh are you crying!?!?!'
gemath y: 'no....NO! I'm not...I am not crying...you would know if I was crying. I cry like, everyday. and this is not crying'
gemath y: and then he started to cry
whiite thrash: because of his cat...
gemath y: and we sat down on a bench
gemath y: and I said something like 'I'm sorry I can't make you feel better about your cat, but I think it's a good thing and you just have to let yourself be sad about it, spend time with your cat, and make the right decisions for yourself. it's not a big deal'
gemath y: and he was mad that I said it wasn't a big deal
whiite thrash: he is moving away and cant see you
whiite thrash: ...because of his cat...
whiite thrash: is that right?
gemath y: then he walked me to the bus...and didn't say I'll call you or I'll see you or anything
gemath y: he has had his cat for 15 years
whiite thrash: oh
gemath y: he has lived in his apartment for like 10 years
whiite thrash: then thats different.
whiite thrash: i dont get why he cant see you though
gemath y: and he has been friends with his boss and worked there for at least 5 years
whiite thrash: i dont mean to change the subject again
gemath y: so, he has a lot to worry about
whiite thrash: but
whiite thrash: dont producers know
whiite thrash: taye diggs is cursed?
whiite thrash: and he is series death?
gemath y: haha
gemath y: yeah
whiite thrash: dont put him in your spinoff.
whiite thrash: dont.
gemath y: they should know already
whiite thrash: you might as well put jennifer love hewitt AND matt leblanc in it
whiite thrash: he is a good actor though i think. and hot. he just can't be in a series.
whiite thrash: or a movie.
whiite thrash: he could probably do a play.
whiite thrash: or be on the view.
whiite thrash: hahaha.
whiite thrash: but no big roles.
gemath y: haha
gemath y: he could be on the view
gemath y: I love it!!!
gemath y: lj lj lj lj
whiite thrash: its not a joke though.
whiite thrash: i mean it.
whiite thrash: i could see him on the view.
gemath y: are guys on the view?
whiite thrash: no.
gemath y: only girls right?
whiite thrash: no theyre not.
whiite thrash: all hens.
whiite thrash: cluck cluuuuck
gemath y: omg
gemath y: this keeps getting better
gemath y: lj pls
gemath y: y u so funny?
whiite thrash: i'm pmsing hardcore
whiite thrash: im super sad actually.
whiite thrash: i almost drove home to tucson just to sit with my dogs and be happy.
gemath y: I know how you feel
whiite thrash: and i feel like never going back to school and coming to boston and hanging out with you and not dealing with anyone here ever.
whiite thrash: i dont want to hang out with anyone i know right now.
whiite thrash: not erika not kirsten not maryanne
gemath y: aw
gemath y: then don't
whiite thrash: im not
gemath y: eat some ice cream
whiite thrash: i would if i had some
whiite thrash: i have brownies though
whiite thrash: but id rather have a mcflurry again.
whiite thrash: actually i reaaally want chicken wings.
whiite thrash: hahaha.
gemath y: I came home from the break up (where we had dinner) and got two slices of pizza
whiite thrash: i think im having a baby.
gemath y: :-\
whiite thrash: i love that my break up is because
gemath y: I want a mcflurry
whiite thrash: i found out he is married with kidsa.
whiite thrash: and yours is because
whiite thrash: his 15 year old cat is walking death.
gemath y: we don't have mcdonalds open late
gemath y: ha
whiite thrash: ours are all like, 24 hours.
whiite thrash: im posting this whole conversation just so you know
whiite thrash: jsyk
whiite thrash: i almost did
whiite thrash: jsyn
whiite thrash: that would have been soooo silly!
gemath y: I actually think our breakup is because I am incredibly inadequate and barely attractive
gemath y: but I will blame it on the cat.
whiite thrash: that made me
whiite thrash: LOL.
gemath y: good
gemath y: gtik
gemath y: glad that I know
it might kill you.
apparently, pursuing a career in art was my worst fucking idea. according to a loser professor i have. lesson learned? one must not confuse a bad attitude with bad art.
anyway.
this is a great little video my brother told me to watch. it sorta made me cry. if gem had a heart, it would probably make her cry too.
also a WFI might be a pan of freshly baked brownies, episodes of roseanne, and sweatpants.
correction: that's a best fucking idea.
it's summertime. craigslist letters soon.
anyway.
this is a great little video my brother told me to watch. it sorta made me cry. if gem had a heart, it would probably make her cry too.
also a WFI might be a pan of freshly baked brownies, episodes of roseanne, and sweatpants.
correction: that's a best fucking idea.
it's summertime. craigslist letters soon.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
my new balance sneakers are all worn out from walking!
gemath y: craigslist fittmann
whiite thrash: fittmann.com
gemath y: fittmann!
whiite thrash: same creepy picture.
whiite thrash: superwalk!
gemath y: walkdance!
whiite thrash: worst web design ever.
whiite thrash: it might as well be on angelfire.
gemath y: seriously.
gemath y: superwalk
gemath y: seriously.
gemath y: haha
gemath y: this thing has to be the best joke ever
gemath y: it's fucking WALKING
whiite thrash: COMBINED WITH AEROBICS AND MUSCLE TONING ACTIVITIES.
whiite thrash: but it is not
whiite thrash: race walking.
gemath y: I was just reading that
whiite thrash: no exaggerated hip swagger here!
gemath y: race walking is an olympic sport?
whiite thrash: yeah. that is true.
whiite thrash: you must have one foot on the ground at all times.
whiite thrash: otherwise you're
whiite thrash: running.
whiite thrash: or skipping.
whiite thrash: frolicking.
gemath y: are you being serious?
whiite thrash: i swear to god.
whiite thrash: wiki
gemath y: the world is so fucked up
whiite thrash: hahaha
whiite thrash: when i write my movie/sitcom pilot
whiite thrash: it will have
whiite thrash: a racewalker.
gemath y: I want to see this in action.
whiite thrash: youtube it.
gemath y: and some fat girl saying 'that is so fucked up'
gemath y: I hope
gemath y: to be played by kate winslet of course
whiite thrash: There are two rules that govern racewalking. One is the lifting rule -- the athlete's back toe cannot leave the ground until the heel of the front foot has touched. The second is called "creeping', when the supporting leg does not straighten as the body passes over it. These rules are judged by the naked eye, which creates controversy at today's high speeds.
whiite thrash: at todays high speeds!
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: I love this
gemath y: it's a whole new world
whiite thrash: While racewalking is the official name for the sport, many people who are not familiar with the event call it speedwalking, as racers walk at a fast pace. This term is disliked by racewalkers, as it is the term that was used by those in the fitness industry (i.e. not track & field) to denote extra exertion while walking, but without any of the rules
whiite thrash: haha
whiite thrash: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
whiite thrash: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
gemath y: haha
gemath y: omg
gemath y: youtube
gemath y: they're so creepy
gemath y: I bet I could do this
whiite thrash: youd be red paddled so fast.
gemath y: haha
whiite thrash: we could do a good 28 days later parody with this.
gemath y: no
gemath y: I wish I had a direct line to snl
gemath y: like just call em up and be like 'racewalking.'
gemath y: and they'd write a skit about it
gemath y: it's a will ferrell type character
gemath y: I don'te ven know who could do it now
whiite thrash: hahahaha
whiite thrash: no
whiite thrash: maya rudolph.
gemath y: yes.
gemath y: YES.
whiite thrash: mmhmm.
whiite thrash: shes my fav of all time maybe.
whiite thrash: simply because of the versace skits.
gemath y: I feel so fat watching these people walk
whiite thrash: that was her, right?
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: donatella?
whiite thrash: this is a total worst fucking idea.
whiite thrash: yes.
gemath y: bitchachino
whiite thrash: fittmann.com
gemath y: fittmann!
whiite thrash: same creepy picture.
whiite thrash: superwalk!
gemath y: walkdance!
whiite thrash: worst web design ever.
whiite thrash: it might as well be on angelfire.
gemath y: seriously.
gemath y: superwalk
gemath y: seriously.
gemath y: haha
gemath y: this thing has to be the best joke ever
gemath y: it's fucking WALKING
whiite thrash: COMBINED WITH AEROBICS AND MUSCLE TONING ACTIVITIES.
whiite thrash: but it is not
whiite thrash: race walking.
gemath y: I was just reading that
whiite thrash: no exaggerated hip swagger here!
gemath y: race walking is an olympic sport?
whiite thrash: yeah. that is true.
whiite thrash: you must have one foot on the ground at all times.
whiite thrash: otherwise you're
whiite thrash: running.
whiite thrash: or skipping.
whiite thrash: frolicking.
gemath y: are you being serious?
whiite thrash: i swear to god.
whiite thrash: wiki
gemath y: the world is so fucked up
whiite thrash: hahaha
whiite thrash: when i write my movie/sitcom pilot
whiite thrash: it will have
whiite thrash: a racewalker.
gemath y: I want to see this in action.
whiite thrash: youtube it.
gemath y: and some fat girl saying 'that is so fucked up'
gemath y: I hope
gemath y: to be played by kate winslet of course
whiite thrash: There are two rules that govern racewalking. One is the lifting rule -- the athlete's back toe cannot leave the ground until the heel of the front foot has touched. The second is called "creeping', when the supporting leg does not straighten as the body passes over it. These rules are judged by the naked eye, which creates controversy at today's high speeds.
whiite thrash: at todays high speeds!
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: I love this
gemath y: it's a whole new world
whiite thrash: While racewalking is the official name for the sport, many people who are not familiar with the event call it speedwalking, as racers walk at a fast pace. This term is disliked by racewalkers, as it is the term that was used by those in the fitness industry (i.e. not track & field) to denote extra exertion while walking, but without any of the rules
whiite thrash: haha
whiite thrash: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
whiite thrash: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
gemath y: haha
gemath y: omg
gemath y: youtube
gemath y: they're so creepy
gemath y: I bet I could do this
whiite thrash: youd be red paddled so fast.
gemath y: haha
whiite thrash: we could do a good 28 days later parody with this.
gemath y: no
gemath y: I wish I had a direct line to snl
gemath y: like just call em up and be like 'racewalking.'
gemath y: and they'd write a skit about it
gemath y: it's a will ferrell type character
gemath y: I don'te ven know who could do it now
whiite thrash: hahahaha
whiite thrash: no
whiite thrash: maya rudolph.
gemath y: yes.
gemath y: YES.
whiite thrash: mmhmm.
whiite thrash: shes my fav of all time maybe.
whiite thrash: simply because of the versace skits.
gemath y: I feel so fat watching these people walk
whiite thrash: that was her, right?
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: donatella?
whiite thrash: this is a total worst fucking idea.
whiite thrash: yes.
gemath y: bitchachino
Monday, April 23, 2007
Definitely.
Lew,
I know I told you the other day that you're Lesbian and I am Gay. I think I even threw in an obvs.
but after last night, when you made out with a really hot, completely straight male, I just don't know. You did good, kid.
but wait. he pushed you in corners to makeout with you and slept in your bed with you and nothing else happened. you made no move. I call that a bad idea.
Lesbian.
at least you wore your hair down...for 2 seconds!
Love,
Gay.
I know I told you the other day that you're Lesbian and I am Gay. I think I even threw in an obvs.
but after last night, when you made out with a really hot, completely straight male, I just don't know. You did good, kid.
but wait. he pushed you in corners to makeout with you and slept in your bed with you and nothing else happened. you made no move. I call that a bad idea.
Lesbian.
at least you wore your hair down...for 2 seconds!
Love,
Gay.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Arizona's Worst Idea...
...can be found here.
and no, it isn't a map of Mesa.
[edit: i didn't take a screenshot when i originally posted this..er uh..post, so the wonderful collage of all the "beautiful" (read: "unique" and/or "exotic") contestants is no longer available, but now the winner is up, so here is a screenshot in case the page ever goes down. because that would be unfortunate. mostly because this post wouldn't make sense, right?]:
and no, it isn't a map of Mesa.
[edit: i didn't take a screenshot when i originally posted this..er uh..post, so the wonderful collage of all the "beautiful" (read: "unique" and/or "exotic") contestants is no longer available, but now the winner is up, so here is a screenshot in case the page ever goes down. because that would be unfortunate. mostly because this post wouldn't make sense, right?]:
L&G
so gem, if you click our blogspot profile (off "le click click" on the left) our header is "L&G".
lesbian and gay, obvs.
which one do you want to be??
regards,
Lewis
lesbian and gay, obvs.
which one do you want to be??
regards,
Lewis
Thursday, April 19, 2007
awful things.
gemath y: name awful things
gemath y: like rape, murder etc
whiite thrash: hahaha
whiite thrash: this is a swell game!
gemath y: yeah
gemath y: it is
gemath y: help me out
whiite thrash: math
whiite thrash: tsunamis
gemath y: it's for a joke
whiite thrash: sanjaya
gemath y: sanjaya is awesome
whiite thrash: poaching
whiite thrash: flying planes into buildings
whiite thrash: nuclear weapons
whiite thrash: concentration camps
whiite thrash: killing baby seals
whiite thrash: animal testing
gemath y: got those covered
gemath y: more
whiite thrash: human trafficking
whiite thrash: slavery
whiite thrash: HIV
whiite thrash: catheters
whiite thrash: sp??
whiite thrash: scott stapp
gemath y: you are so creative
gemath y: this is great
whiite thrash: accidents yielding paralysis
whiite thrash: uncircumcized penises
whiite thrash: popov
gemath y: no those can be fun
gemath y: popov?
whiite thrash: its a vodka
gemath y: oh
gemath y: is it gross?
whiite thrash: you can get a handle for
whiite thrash: 11.99
whiite thrash: plastic. not glass.
gemath y: ha
whiite thrash: so yes.
whiite thrash: anyway shall i go on?
gemath y: yes
whiite thrash: ingrown hairs
whiite thrash: (what is this for?)
gemath y: you'll see
whiite thrash: palestinian liberation organization
whiite thrash: imus
whiite thrash: urinal cakes
whiite thrash: (ewwww)
whiite thrash: root beer
whiite thrash: popcorn
whiite thrash: gangreen
gemath y: I can't believe you're putting urinal cakes and pocorn on the same level as concentration camps.
gemath y: like rape, murder etc
whiite thrash: hahaha
whiite thrash: this is a swell game!
gemath y: yeah
gemath y: it is
gemath y: help me out
whiite thrash: math
whiite thrash: tsunamis
gemath y: it's for a joke
whiite thrash: sanjaya
gemath y: sanjaya is awesome
whiite thrash: poaching
whiite thrash: flying planes into buildings
whiite thrash: nuclear weapons
whiite thrash: concentration camps
whiite thrash: killing baby seals
whiite thrash: animal testing
gemath y: got those covered
gemath y: more
whiite thrash: human trafficking
whiite thrash: slavery
whiite thrash: HIV
whiite thrash: catheters
whiite thrash: sp??
whiite thrash: scott stapp
gemath y: you are so creative
gemath y: this is great
whiite thrash: accidents yielding paralysis
whiite thrash: uncircumcized penises
whiite thrash: popov
gemath y: no those can be fun
gemath y: popov?
whiite thrash: its a vodka
gemath y: oh
gemath y: is it gross?
whiite thrash: you can get a handle for
whiite thrash: 11.99
whiite thrash: plastic. not glass.
gemath y: ha
whiite thrash: so yes.
whiite thrash: anyway shall i go on?
gemath y: yes
whiite thrash: ingrown hairs
whiite thrash: (what is this for?)
gemath y: you'll see
whiite thrash: palestinian liberation organization
whiite thrash: imus
whiite thrash: urinal cakes
whiite thrash: (ewwww)
whiite thrash: root beer
whiite thrash: popcorn
whiite thrash: gangreen
gemath y: I can't believe you're putting urinal cakes and pocorn on the same level as concentration camps.
seacrest is a sexy bitch!
there's something i love about a short, skinny homo with a dry sense of humor. mmm.
birthday! the big twotwo.
best idea: chocolate covered fruit (thanks gem!).
worst idea: frosted sugar cookies (no thanks, mom!).
birthday! the big twotwo.
best idea: chocolate covered fruit (thanks gem!).
worst idea: frosted sugar cookies (no thanks, mom!).
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Dear Lewis,
I have to say my favorite part about our new blog is that you post in it now. Plus, our profile is still major lolz.
Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my best friend.
Ryan says,"HB, SA!"
He's so sweet!
Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my best friend.
Ryan says,"HB, SA!"
He's so sweet!
terrible guy.
Dear Terrible Guy,
I used to know a guy just like you. We were friends for a very long time. He lives in another state.
I hope you don't write back, but if you do, it better not be good.
There's no very good antonym for terrible,
Adequate Girl.
origins of the new plan; or: srsly this is the WFI.
whiite thrash: so no one has asked me out to dinner for my birthday
whiite thrash: except for
whiite thrash: THE DISHWASHER AT MY WORK??
gemath y: well, you choose your friends based on their attractiveness.
gemath y: never works.
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: so
gemath y: avril is such a fucking asshole
gemath y: you have to watch letterman
gemath y: omg
whiite thrash: i love the girlfriend song though and theres nothing you can do about it.
gemath y: I've never seen a more annoying person
gemath y: watch the show.
gemath y: definitely
gemath y: your friends suck so much
gemath y: this is why I can't visit you in az
gemath y: you have to come here
gemath y: because my friends are the greatest
whiite thrash: i need to find a reciprocating best friend.
gemath y: here's the deal
gemath y: you're in college.
gemath y: I think college is one of the worst places in the planet
gemath y: there's no way in the world you're going to make a best friend there
whiite thrash: i'll advertise on craigslist
whiite thrash: wanted: bff4life
whiite thrash: must have: spunk
whiite thrash: no: skinheads
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: wow
gemath y: you HAVE to do the craigslist thing
gemath y: to see the responses
whiite thrash: wouldnt that be so funny?
gemath y: now that's a worst fucking idea if I ever saw one
gemath y: I have to go eat peanut butter.
but first! gem had to search the platonics. sigh. winner #1!!!:
and then she obviously had to craft a letter.
A friend and I are looking at our respective cities' craigslists to determine where we should post our want ad for a new best friend. We couldn't decide between strictly platonic or jobs. The thought was that we needed to do some research in the platonic section. This activity being a continuation of our worst fucking ideas, we decided to respond to only the ones we loved.
So, I found your listing and thought it was worthy of a response. Clearly, nowhere near interesting. But, NEAT, man. I don't live in JP and I don't know how old you are, but if you have a myspace, I'll make you a blingee.
To clarify, I don't need a new best friend, she does.
i don't know if he responded. it's her turn to take the ol' blog wheel. BLOG WHEEL. you know, like a car? take the wheel? zing.
Monday, April 9, 2007
brazilians get POUNDED.
gemath y: so like, I deal with a lot of ladies each day
gemath y: and some of them are so square
gemath y: but they're getting brazilians
gemath y: and I'm just like...'does this chick get POUNDED on the weekends or WHAT!'
gemath y: and then I freak out because I think some people can read minds
gemath y: and that if a person has that ability
gemath y: they would keep it a secret
whiite thrash: OH MY GOD
whiite thrash: I THINK THE SAME THING SOMETIMES.
gemath y: and it would be so frequent that they hear inappropriate things that they could just ignore them really easily
gemath y: so I wouldn't know that they know
whiite thrash: and then i try to cover it up
whiite thrash: like
gemath y: but they know
gemath y: yeah
whiite thrash: HAHA JUST KIDDING I KNOW YOU KNOW I SAID THAT
gemath y: so I start thinking good things
gemath y: like
whiite thrash: ISNT IT WEIRD THAT WE'RE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
gemath y: 'pounded because you're soooooo attractive! but you must know how hot you are....I wish I was as pretty as you'
gemath y: and then I am like 'oh god I am a lesbian'
whiite thrash: hahaha
gemath y: and then I am like 'that would be so weird to be a lesbian and see so much vagina everyday'
gemath y: and then I start thinking about the lesbian girl I work with and how she doesn't do brazilians
gemath y: and I think it's because she wants to like, keep it fresh
gemath y: because if she does too many she might become straight
gemath y: and this is not an exaggeration sasha.
gemath y: I definitely think these same thoughts over and over
gemath y: this girl tonight had really small labia and her like...hole
gemath y: what's the proper term for hole?
gemath y: vaginal opening?
gemath y: whatever
whiite thrash: i think this conversation should end.
whiite thrash: now would be good.
gemath y: it was like open just sitting there
gemath y: and I was like
gemath y: her boyfriend must love her
gemath y: and then I thought 'what kind of sick fuck wants to marry a wide, hairless vagina'
gemath y: and then I totally did the mental backtracking thing
gemath y: but at the end of the wax I got the feeling she was mad at me
gemath y: and I felt really insecure
gemath y: I hope this is not a part you're going to cut and paste
gemath y: unless you change your essay to brazilian waxing
whiite thrash: or now.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Karaoke...oh, boy.
One of the lesser highlights of the holidays for me was visiting with my best friend from high school, Katie. I guess it's always a shock when you realize someone from your past is now entirely irrelevant to your life. However, this realization will neither prevent me from having to deal with her nor help me forget the whole fucking night.
The original plan was that I'd hang out with Katie the Saturday before Christmas Eve. I work Saturdays until 5pm and I had to go to work on Sunday for 10am, so the window was tight. The better idea would have been for Katie, who has a car, to drive to Boston to meet me for a drink and dinner and then head home. Perfect idea. Sensible, relaxing, fun even. But, her manipulative, ever-interfering, 50-something, bleach blonde, straw haired, too tan leatherface, perpetually dressed like a trashy teenage whore of a mother, Beth, had planned every moment of Katie's visit home and decided that Katie HAD to hang out with Kristin, Beth's latest 20 something best friend on the same night Katie planned to hang out with me. I could, of course, come along, but Beth didn't want Katie and I to play 'remember when' all night and ignore Kristin. It was quite clear at that point that this night already wished I wasn't included.
This ladies' night of fun, booze, and karaoke would take place at a local bar in Plaistow, NH called The Corner Pocket with the rest of their karaoke posse (more on them later). First, I hate New Hampshire. Second, I hate Plaistow. Third, I hate Plaistow, NH townies. Fourth, I HATE karaoke. Fifth, I don't like Katie's mom. Since Katie lives in Orlando, I felt like I really wanted to see her for Christmas and she was also bringing home her boyfriend she just moved in with, so I went against my gut feeling and agreed to this plan. I am, after all, 'the best friend.' So, the actual idea came down to rushing from work, taking the commuter rail home, Katie and Beth's boyfriend Brian picked me up, and we went home to wait for Beth to finish tarting up her hagalicious face getting ready. We would then meet Katie's fancy Aunt Nancy (who I like, huge fake boobs and all) and I would sleep over their house, and they would bring me to the commuter rail in the morning so I could then rush to work. What I am getting at here is I went way out of my way to attend this catastrophe.
I was told I would like Kristin because 'she goes to hair school.' Since I neither go to hair school, nor do hair, I failed to see the logic, but I said ok. Katie told me Beth has sort of adopted her as a daughter because Kristin had lost her mom when she was a teen. Obviously, my first question was, "Is she fat?" Katie informed that it was so, but she didn't know how fat just yet. I hoped she was, at the very least, uglyfaced. In the car, while Brian was picking up a pizza, Katie confirmed that she was, indeed, fat. "Bigger than me at least?" I asked. "Bigger than both of us together." What a relief. Then Katie said Kristin was wearing a tube top and I knew we would have at least a little bit of fun that night. Katie also mentioned she and her mother had gotten into a fight earlier that evening and that I had to be nice to Kristin. My response to Katie was, "I am 22 years old, not 15. I don't have to be nice to anyone I don't want to." Katie seemed annoyed by that and said, "Well, I have to be around my mother so, I will." I said fine, but I was not about to adopt Katie and her mother's fake personalities for the evening. I said if I like her, then I like her, if I don't, then who the fuck cares. I then mentioned how I think it's weird we're going out with her mother and Katie said, "No, my mom's really fun when she gets wasted" to which I responded, "I don't WANT to get wasted with your mom."
When we got to the house, I felt like I had just walked into a broken home. The vibe was so strange. The house was filled with Christmas decorations, but it all felt stale and forced and I got really nervous. The solution: eat pizza obvs. After watching Katie's brother Chris' dance video (he's a dance instructor [yeesh]), meeting Kristin (yikes) and Katie's wet-loaf-of-bread boyfriend, Joe, we ate food and chatted awkwardly until Katie's mom was done putting the finishing touches on her fiasco of a head. Kristin mentioned she doesn't wear underwear in passing and I realized no underwear + tube top = no undergarments at all = EL GROSSO! Joe was wearing light wash tapered jeans with teva sandals, no socks, and a t shirt with an embroidered spider. That's not a joke or anything...it's just sadly true. I was then informed of the blanket and pillows in the drawer for when we come home totally trashed so I can sleep on the couch love seat. Katie quietly told me her mom let Kristin have the guest room, you know, the one with the BED because she didn't think I was going to sleepover. I guess she figured I would just fly back to Boston. Or maybe do that thing in Mary Poppins where you wink, think, do a double blink and jump
to your destination. I decided then that I was going to go with the gut feelings for the rest of the evening cause, fuck these people amirite?
When we arrive at the Corner Pocket, the first person I see is Cindy. I worked with Cindy when I was in high school. At Larry's Clam Bar. Larryland was a family owned and operated seafood restaurant. Larry ran the kitchen, Verna ran the restaurant. Larry's brothers Sherman and Herman, sister Joanne, and daugher Valerie worked the kitchen along with Patrick, an African man from Cameroon (who was probably in love with me), while Laurie ran the ice cream section with her husband Gus. Cindy, 43ish, rides a moped, had worked there since high school and, at $7.85/hr I was paid more than she was. Needless to say, she's slow. I said "Hey Cindy!" (she was, after all, one of my daily highlights working there [second only to The Hat Lady and her boyfriend, Irving]). Cindy informed me The Corner Pocket was her hangout and she was there EVERY SATURDAY. Then she introduced me to her friends: everyone at the bar! Lovelies included the guy with no teeth, a table of geriatric couples, and a red faced lady with a cowboy hat. I felt nauseous in the smoky, dank, mustard yellow and pea soup green awful hole in the earth. When drinks were ordered (white zinfandel for Beth, sex on the beach for Katie, mich ultra for Nancy) I stuck to captain and coke. I
could get away with drinking one and say it was strong and pretend drunk I figured.
What I haven't yet mentioned is that Beth's occupation is karaoke. She has her own night at a doppelganger bar somewhere else in NH where actual deaf people have a shot at local stardom...only if the other patrons clap loud enough when their names are called so they know when go to up and sing. Because she and Katie are both born histrionics, they have practice seshes before going out and bring their own karaoke cds. This embarrasses me to no end when I realize it. Not because of the other people around, but just inside me. In my heart, I know this is embarrassing. Beth also invented something called a Twat Box for her regulars. Short for Repertoire Box, it's a box of cards for each person of songs they regularly sing with their cd codes already filled out. The performer is then to just open up the Twat Box, grab a card, and their entertainment for the evening is decided. This story is something I find actually amusing and for a moment, I thought, Let me give this night a fighting chance.
Once everyone sang their country songs and was on their second drink and I was still a quarter of the way into my first, the posse had arrived. At that point, I decided Kristin wasn't so bad and I didn't have much to make fun of her about. She's isn't ugly, her makeup didn't suck, her hair was boring, but ok, she wore a sweater with the tube top...all that was left was her psoriasis, but like, that's not interesting to make fun of. Caridee on Top Model ruined that for all of us. So, a pretty girl named Sabrina, a woman with a sad case of alopecia + fug named Michelle, and a lovely dyke named Kegga arrived. Kegga is the only decent personality among them. She dresses like a dude, has that short spiky deal going on up top, can rock the karaoke, she brings her own pink camouflage zip up beer cozy, and makes excellent lesbiana jokes.
Example:
Katie: Your hair got long Kegga!
Kegga: Ehhhh...the dyke spikes are looking a little droopy.
All: LOLZ.
Some skinny toothless dude got up to sing YET ANOTHER COUNTRY SONG while his dumpy fat wifey with inch long poodle perm humped him from behind and did that tongue licky thing near his ear and it was then that I decided to keep quiet and wait for the night to be over.
That was really hard to do actually since the night seemed to never end. I did end up finishing my drink and ordered a Heineken..again something to drink slowly. Katie then got up to go to the bathroom and I went with her. After I peed I was looking in the mirror and another woman came into the bathroom. When Katie came out of the stall with her skirt up around her waist and asked "Should I go back out like this?!" the woman cracked up while I didn't even turn around to see what she was talking about. Subsequently, that woman wouldn't leave us alone for the rest of the night and told us about 8 times she was a teacher for high school and she's seen worse things in the bathroom. THX LADY OK BYE CUL8R! I Katie's words: "If I was friends with everyone who'd seen my ass, I'd be friends with EVERYONE!"
I asked what time we planned to leave and Katie said 1...as in 1am. Being only 10:30 I pulled the old I-Have-To-Work-In-The-Morning deal and Katie said Brian and Joe were going to come around 11 and they could drive me home. Somehow in between this discussion and when the men arrived, Katie got upset with her mother and went outside. I didn't quite follow...what I did do was grab all the dollar bills and quarters I could find for the stuffed animal claw game and the m&m vending machine! I figured I could do that until the guys take me home. True highlight of my evening actually. Then Katie met her mom in the bathroom and the drama began.
They holed themselves up in there crying and yelling at each other like teenagers. Apparently the issue was that Beth had quit smoking for 6 months and was on Wellbutrin for depression (side effects include: anxiety, confusion, dizziness, agitation and also AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL while taking Wellbutrin) as well as Klonopin for panic attacks (use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while taking Klonopin) yet, she chainsmoked and had three glasses of white zinfandel. It's interesting to note that Wellbutrin's side effects include anxiety attacks and Klonopin's side effects include depression. This awkward time lasted about 45 minutes as I left several phone messages for my mom to come pick me up and made awkward conversation with Brian and Joe. And just before midnight, we were ready to get out of there just in time to avoid the people from high school that had started arriving! Things were really looking up. I guess the second highlight would be that Brian settled our tab and I didn't have to pay for a thing. FREE AWFUL NIGHT FOR EVERYONE!
On the way home to my mom's house (I opted out of the enticing loveseat sleepover), Beth apologized for ruining everyone's night. I accepted her apology and told her she still looked pretty even though she cried a lot. I can be nice sometimes. I woke up to my confused mom at 6 am and told her the whole deal and thanked her for being the best mom ever and the only one I could ever love.
Aw. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
-Gem
Ps- I forgot to mention that somewhere in there all the old people grinded on each other to the Pussycat Dolls 'Loosen up my buttons.' I wasn't drunk enough to actually barf, but I had the vom spirit.
PPs - I didn't win anything in the vending machine. :(
BTW - this post says LEWIS did it, but it's really Gem's.
The original plan was that I'd hang out with Katie the Saturday before Christmas Eve. I work Saturdays until 5pm and I had to go to work on Sunday for 10am, so the window was tight. The better idea would have been for Katie, who has a car, to drive to Boston to meet me for a drink and dinner and then head home. Perfect idea. Sensible, relaxing, fun even. But, her manipulative, ever-interfering, 50-something, bleach blonde, straw haired, too tan leatherface, perpetually dressed like a trashy teenage whore of a mother, Beth, had planned every moment of Katie's visit home and decided that Katie HAD to hang out with Kristin, Beth's latest 20 something best friend on the same night Katie planned to hang out with me. I could, of course, come along, but Beth didn't want Katie and I to play 'remember when' all night and ignore Kristin. It was quite clear at that point that this night already wished I wasn't included.
This ladies' night of fun, booze, and karaoke would take place at a local bar in Plaistow, NH called The Corner Pocket with the rest of their karaoke posse (more on them later). First, I hate New Hampshire. Second, I hate Plaistow. Third, I hate Plaistow, NH townies. Fourth, I HATE karaoke. Fifth, I don't like Katie's mom. Since Katie lives in Orlando, I felt like I really wanted to see her for Christmas and she was also bringing home her boyfriend she just moved in with, so I went against my gut feeling and agreed to this plan. I am, after all, 'the best friend.' So, the actual idea came down to rushing from work, taking the commuter rail home, Katie and Beth's boyfriend Brian picked me up, and we went home to wait for Beth to finish tarting up her hagalicious face getting ready. We would then meet Katie's fancy Aunt Nancy (who I like, huge fake boobs and all) and I would sleep over their house, and they would bring me to the commuter rail in the morning so I could then rush to work. What I am getting at here is I went way out of my way to attend this catastrophe.
I was told I would like Kristin because 'she goes to hair school.' Since I neither go to hair school, nor do hair, I failed to see the logic, but I said ok. Katie told me Beth has sort of adopted her as a daughter because Kristin had lost her mom when she was a teen. Obviously, my first question was, "Is she fat?" Katie informed that it was so, but she didn't know how fat just yet. I hoped she was, at the very least, uglyfaced. In the car, while Brian was picking up a pizza, Katie confirmed that she was, indeed, fat. "Bigger than me at least?" I asked. "Bigger than both of us together." What a relief. Then Katie said Kristin was wearing a tube top and I knew we would have at least a little bit of fun that night. Katie also mentioned she and her mother had gotten into a fight earlier that evening and that I had to be nice to Kristin. My response to Katie was, "I am 22 years old, not 15. I don't have to be nice to anyone I don't want to." Katie seemed annoyed by that and said, "Well, I have to be around my mother so, I will." I said fine, but I was not about to adopt Katie and her mother's fake personalities for the evening. I said if I like her, then I like her, if I don't, then who the fuck cares. I then mentioned how I think it's weird we're going out with her mother and Katie said, "No, my mom's really fun when she gets wasted" to which I responded, "I don't WANT to get wasted with your mom."
When we got to the house, I felt like I had just walked into a broken home. The vibe was so strange. The house was filled with Christmas decorations, but it all felt stale and forced and I got really nervous. The solution: eat pizza obvs. After watching Katie's brother Chris' dance video (he's a dance instructor [yeesh]), meeting Kristin (yikes) and Katie's wet-loaf-of-bread boyfriend, Joe, we ate food and chatted awkwardly until Katie's mom was done putting the finishing touches on her fiasco of a head. Kristin mentioned she doesn't wear underwear in passing and I realized no underwear + tube top = no undergarments at all = EL GROSSO! Joe was wearing light wash tapered jeans with teva sandals, no socks, and a t shirt with an embroidered spider. That's not a joke or anything...it's just sadly true. I was then informed of the blanket and pillows in the drawer for when we come home totally trashed so I can sleep on the couch love seat. Katie quietly told me her mom let Kristin have the guest room, you know, the one with the BED because she didn't think I was going to sleepover. I guess she figured I would just fly back to Boston. Or maybe do that thing in Mary Poppins where you wink, think, do a double blink and jump
to your destination. I decided then that I was going to go with the gut feelings for the rest of the evening cause, fuck these people amirite?
When we arrive at the Corner Pocket, the first person I see is Cindy. I worked with Cindy when I was in high school. At Larry's Clam Bar. Larryland was a family owned and operated seafood restaurant. Larry ran the kitchen, Verna ran the restaurant. Larry's brothers Sherman and Herman, sister Joanne, and daugher Valerie worked the kitchen along with Patrick, an African man from Cameroon (who was probably in love with me), while Laurie ran the ice cream section with her husband Gus. Cindy, 43ish, rides a moped, had worked there since high school and, at $7.85/hr I was paid more than she was. Needless to say, she's slow. I said "Hey Cindy!" (she was, after all, one of my daily highlights working there [second only to The Hat Lady and her boyfriend, Irving]). Cindy informed me The Corner Pocket was her hangout and she was there EVERY SATURDAY. Then she introduced me to her friends: everyone at the bar! Lovelies included the guy with no teeth, a table of geriatric couples, and a red faced lady with a cowboy hat. I felt nauseous in the smoky, dank, mustard yellow and pea soup green awful hole in the earth. When drinks were ordered (white zinfandel for Beth, sex on the beach for Katie, mich ultra for Nancy) I stuck to captain and coke. I
could get away with drinking one and say it was strong and pretend drunk I figured.
What I haven't yet mentioned is that Beth's occupation is karaoke. She has her own night at a doppelganger bar somewhere else in NH where actual deaf people have a shot at local stardom...only if the other patrons clap loud enough when their names are called so they know when go to up and sing. Because she and Katie are both born histrionics, they have practice seshes before going out and bring their own karaoke cds. This embarrasses me to no end when I realize it. Not because of the other people around, but just inside me. In my heart, I know this is embarrassing. Beth also invented something called a Twat Box for her regulars. Short for Repertoire Box, it's a box of cards for each person of songs they regularly sing with their cd codes already filled out. The performer is then to just open up the Twat Box, grab a card, and their entertainment for the evening is decided. This story is something I find actually amusing and for a moment, I thought, Let me give this night a fighting chance.
Once everyone sang their country songs and was on their second drink and I was still a quarter of the way into my first, the posse had arrived. At that point, I decided Kristin wasn't so bad and I didn't have much to make fun of her about. She's isn't ugly, her makeup didn't suck, her hair was boring, but ok, she wore a sweater with the tube top...all that was left was her psoriasis, but like, that's not interesting to make fun of. Caridee on Top Model ruined that for all of us. So, a pretty girl named Sabrina, a woman with a sad case of alopecia + fug named Michelle, and a lovely dyke named Kegga arrived. Kegga is the only decent personality among them. She dresses like a dude, has that short spiky deal going on up top, can rock the karaoke, she brings her own pink camouflage zip up beer cozy, and makes excellent lesbiana jokes.
Example:
Katie: Your hair got long Kegga!
Kegga: Ehhhh...the dyke spikes are looking a little droopy.
All: LOLZ.
Some skinny toothless dude got up to sing YET ANOTHER COUNTRY SONG while his dumpy fat wifey with inch long poodle perm humped him from behind and did that tongue licky thing near his ear and it was then that I decided to keep quiet and wait for the night to be over.
That was really hard to do actually since the night seemed to never end. I did end up finishing my drink and ordered a Heineken..again something to drink slowly. Katie then got up to go to the bathroom and I went with her. After I peed I was looking in the mirror and another woman came into the bathroom. When Katie came out of the stall with her skirt up around her waist and asked "Should I go back out like this?!" the woman cracked up while I didn't even turn around to see what she was talking about. Subsequently, that woman wouldn't leave us alone for the rest of the night and told us about 8 times she was a teacher for high school and she's seen worse things in the bathroom. THX LADY OK BYE CUL8R! I Katie's words: "If I was friends with everyone who'd seen my ass, I'd be friends with EVERYONE!"
I asked what time we planned to leave and Katie said 1...as in 1am. Being only 10:30 I pulled the old I-Have-To-Work-In-The-Morning deal and Katie said Brian and Joe were going to come around 11 and they could drive me home. Somehow in between this discussion and when the men arrived, Katie got upset with her mother and went outside. I didn't quite follow...what I did do was grab all the dollar bills and quarters I could find for the stuffed animal claw game and the m&m vending machine! I figured I could do that until the guys take me home. True highlight of my evening actually. Then Katie met her mom in the bathroom and the drama began.
They holed themselves up in there crying and yelling at each other like teenagers. Apparently the issue was that Beth had quit smoking for 6 months and was on Wellbutrin for depression (side effects include: anxiety, confusion, dizziness, agitation and also AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL while taking Wellbutrin) as well as Klonopin for panic attacks (use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while taking Klonopin) yet, she chainsmoked and had three glasses of white zinfandel. It's interesting to note that Wellbutrin's side effects include anxiety attacks and Klonopin's side effects include depression. This awkward time lasted about 45 minutes as I left several phone messages for my mom to come pick me up and made awkward conversation with Brian and Joe. And just before midnight, we were ready to get out of there just in time to avoid the people from high school that had started arriving! Things were really looking up. I guess the second highlight would be that Brian settled our tab and I didn't have to pay for a thing. FREE AWFUL NIGHT FOR EVERYONE!
On the way home to my mom's house (I opted out of the enticing loveseat sleepover), Beth apologized for ruining everyone's night. I accepted her apology and told her she still looked pretty even though she cried a lot. I can be nice sometimes. I woke up to my confused mom at 6 am and told her the whole deal and thanked her for being the best mom ever and the only one I could ever love.
Aw. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
-Gem
Ps- I forgot to mention that somewhere in there all the old people grinded on each other to the Pussycat Dolls 'Loosen up my buttons.' I wasn't drunk enough to actually barf, but I had the vom spirit.
PPs - I didn't win anything in the vending machine. :(
BTW - this post says LEWIS did it, but it's really Gem's.
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