Thursday, January 31, 2008

A SOURed Relationship.

Dear Tongue,

Oh sweet, innocent, unwitting Tongue! I have to apologize for the way I acted tonight. After the can of pineapple and box of peas appetizer, I forced you to eat that sorry excuse for Mexican food. It's been almost 24 years, this partnership we have. And I know we've had our ups and downs. Salmon, for instance. Meatloaf, mushrooms. The list goes on, I know. But tonight, I went too far. I let my thoughts get all jumbled up in the mix.

Why I thought making a quesadilla with only beans and mozzarella was going to taste anywhere near good is really not on the table for discussion. In theory, someone (not me) could make that a fanTASTEical delight. The real question is why did I think adding a shit ton of garlic and black pepper was going to make up for the fact I have no salsa? Tongue, I don't know what to tell you. There's just no excuse or explanation for what I've done to you.

How will I ever repay you? Is there any forgiveness left in your buds? I know I don't need to remind you of our past. I know I don't need to recall memories of ketchup soaked french fries or all that pudding I ate on Sunday because of my sore throat. I'm sure you're aware of how often I order that salad you love from Corner Cafe (twice a week minimum). And I certainly don't need to rehash all those birthdays and holidays and various other special occasions that necessitate a slice of cake. Or two. And of our date night ritual, I know I only need to say those three little words: Digiorno, Cherry Garcia. I don't need to talk about these things because you already know what makes us meant for each other, what makes us work.

Next time I try to talk myself out of sliding into bed with a pudding cup to sing us to sleep to, instead, make a 'meal' out of what isn't moldy in the fridge, I'll remember this blog. I will. With you and me, pudding will always win, from now until forever.

I love you Tongue.

xoxo, M

Mandatory classes for graduation that take themselves too seriously.

ASU forces each art student to take a class about...stuff... before they graduate. Now up until this semester, the semester where i have to take it, the class has just been a one credit course involving you participating in an art show during the semester. you meet with the class maaaaaybe twice a semester. and basically it's all bullshit and way easy.

BUT THIS SEMESTER, although still one credit, the class meets once a week, every week, for the entire semester, and the teacher makes us write silly statements and resumes and essays. none of which i want to do, because i never want to do anything, and none of which i take seriously. because it's for one credit. and i consider myself friends with the guy who teaches it (meaning he would never actually fail me), who was a grad student here until he received his mfa last semester. now he is just "adjunct faculty".

anyway, our assignment for this week was to write an essay. topic? "what do you want to be when you grow up".

wait, what? my response? "i'm 22 you fucker!!!" jackie's response? "i'm 24 you jerk!" roommate kirsten's response? "a dinosaur!!!"

anyway, here are the essays i wrote. yes. two. one for me, and one for jackie (respectively).

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But I do know what I don’t want to be. And I think that’s worth just as much. Here is a short list of things I DON’T want to be. Ever. At all. Not even a little bit:

10.Thudong Monk in Bangkok
9. the 5th wife of a polygymist (4th wife is okay)
8. any insect
7. the Hardegrees
6. drug addict (recreational user does not an addict make!)
5. school librarian
4. Kirsten Rutherford
3. my mother
2. a hamburger
1. adjunct faculty at Arizona State University

So in conclusion…

don't ask me who the Hardegrees are.

My name is Jacqueline, and when I grow up I want to have twenty children of my own and a farm in the mountains in Utah. I want to be the 5th wife of a noble, well respected man who will allow me to have as many cats as I desire. If time allows, I may pursue art in the form of inked kitty paw prints on found objects and the scrap booking of important events in the lives of my children and the children of my sister wives. However, I do not believe time will allow for any of this, for I shall be too busy taking on the fulfilling tasks of laundering clothing, French braiding hair, and embroidering everyone’s initials onto their clothing. I will also be busy setting type for the church’s instructional pamphlets on how to be a good wife and live free from sin that are to be delivered to local schools and anywhere else there are pretty, young girls in need of guidance. I shall be in charge of delivering them as well, along with possibly the 4th wife, and maybe even the 3rd wife, but not with the 1st wife or the 2nd wife because pamphlet deliveries only take place on Tuesday mornings and on Tuesday mornings it will be their turn to drive the children to school because I will bring them to school on Mondays and Wednesdays.

is turning these in the WFI or the BFI?

i'm going with the latter, because i already turned them in. and i need to graduate.

oh, by the way, i dropped the chemistry class that i...NEED TO GRADUATE. so i guess i wont be graduating anyway!!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

DON'T give family members your email address.

I have one email I use to give to family where they are free to send as many fwds as the inbox can handle and I am free to say "Oh really? You sent me something? I get sooo much spam in that thing I can hardly read it!" And it's worked for years. Meanwhile, I maintain the other email pristine and family free. Only mom was allowed to email me at that address until...DUN DUN DUHHHHHHHN! She gave it to my cousin!!!! Awfulosity. I opened the email and got scared, mad, and annoyed, in that order. All before becoming entirely indifferent to the actual email content, which is as follows, creatively titled hi it's joce:

Hey girl!! It’s joce,

You better put your name down for something, even if it’s something small… like a bullet.. hehehehe, or....... A Charlie brown xmas tree... I actually asked for a boyfriend, with blue eyes, and a dog that doesn’t poop in my house.. hahah! I amuse myself... . Anyways, I look forward to hearing back from you, and I hope you’re doing well, let’s go out some night!

Love you


That was way back in December before Christmas. It was about not wanting to participate in the bullshit Secret Santa my family does every year. I still haven't replied. It made Christmas a little awkward. But to be in my family you have to be good at pretending, showing up without engaging in any sort of relating, and dodging questions by shoving food in your mouth. It's rude to talk with your mouthful, afterall. I'll never reply. Let's see what that does for next year's Christmas Awkward-o-meter.

In addition, I berated my mother accordingly.

Then there's the constant barrage from my father: Did you get that email I sent? I sent you a link to the article! Didn't you watch the video? No, dad, I didn't. Because my father is what I assume would be labeled a constitutionalist and an income tax protester he sends me emails from an income tax protesting email newsletter. Unfortunately, inboxes across America bounce them right into the spam folder. Burnsauce on and LOL email clients! That's The Man for ya! To combat the sighs and groans, I gave him my real email under a solemnly sworn oath he would NEVER, EVER reveal it to another family member without my explicit permission to do so.

So, today I get this email from my father titled, Democracy?:

This quote says it all. We live in a democratic REPUBLIC! (supposedly)

"Damn democracy. It is a fraudulent term used, often by ignorant persons but no less often by intellectual fakers, to describe an infamous mixture of socialism, miscegenation, graft, confiscation of property and denial of personal rights to individuals whose virtuous principles make them offensive." Westbrook Pegler: New York Journal American, 1/25/51, entitled "Upholds Republic of U.S. Against Phony Democracy, Democracy in the U.S. Branded Meaningless"

First of all, the quote implies my father hasn't yet realized we've been entertaining an increasingly fascist administration acting under the guise of traditional American democracy for 6 years or so. That aside...MISCEGENATION? Ok, even if a majority of Americans would agree with the quote...MISCEGENATION?

I responded:

This aint the 50's dad. Them races all be mixin! Your quote is cripplingly dated. Next time, make sure the people you send these sorts of things to are also as racist as you are.

In conclusion, DON'T give your family your email address.
gemath y
I keep thinking in a little while
heath ledger will be like SURPRISE!
and not be dead anymore
like all he needed was a little sleep

like it was a joke
or like
a marketing scheme
or a social experiment

gemath y
but I feel like someone will just like...
water him
or somehing
and then he'll wake up
like he's dried fruit or something
everyone keeps talking about it
and reading about it
and wanting to talk about it
and the drugs and stuff
and I don't participate
cause I'm just like...ohhh wait a few weeks!
he'll be back
stop worrying so much!

i'm WFIng this PS
because i think we might get some hits off of
"heath ledger surprise"

gemath y
include that part

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


Nellie: I don't mean to gross you out but...I just pulled two tampons out of my body and I had no idea two tampons were inside of me. That is one deep vagina...

Monday, January 7, 2008

Remember When

Sasha said I signed up for an online personals site to get a WFI out of it? well, I got one. and it's soooooooooo WFI that I can't even post about it. The internet is not for talking about personal things, I've learned.

Every day of my life is an embarrassment.

sasha edits this post to say:

i wish gem would write about the event. but she refuses to. even though that's what this entire blog is about!!!!! so for those curious it involved:

•a yahoo personals profile
•really, really, REALLY funny yet mild trash talking
•someone distantly involved in the situation of trash talk completely and absolutely randomly coming across the profile and seeing it!
•a myspace message saying, "big secret!!"

man, i wish i could be more specific...

Friday, January 4, 2008

Jackie's Sister is a Racist

so obviously, at some point before christmas, i swiped a little - no bigger than 3" - toy doll from pottery barn kids. and it was just this little baby, wrapped in a blue blanket, and just really, really simple. a sphere for a head with two dots for eyes, and maybe a squiggly line for hair. we're talking minimalism. i think they were charging like, $6 for it too...but whatever. the doll was black by the way. well, brown TECHNICALLY, but totally black, you know?

so, jackie takes it from me to give to her sister for christmas. BTW her sister (and entire family...) hates me because i am not a racist.

but the true fun didn't begin until jackie asked me to write something to go along with the Orlando (yes, i named him Orlando). here's what i came up with...

Dear Consumer,

Thank you for your purchase! Here at Ethnic Baby Inc. we applaud your trivial decision to adopt a non-Caucasian, and we hope baby ORLANDO will eventually become a welcomed addition to your family! As Angelina Jolie once paraphrased, “Multicultural families are the rainbows of our society.” Really though, she didn’t say anything like that at all, however it is a well publicized fact that she does have three non-Caucasian children of her own who are all acculturating well! Therefore, we at Ethnic Baby Inc. feel pretty confident that she would definitely maybe say something like that. Or at least agree with it. To an extent. Perhaps. Brad Pitt would definitely say it though. Either way, here are two quick tips chosen at random from our book, 114 Ways To Fit In Despite Your Heritage, to help you and your non-Caucasian on the road to assimilation!

#3. Starbucks! There is no quicker way to becoming a true Caucasian American than a Starbucks blended Frappuccino. Try encouraging your new non-Caucasian baby to indulge in this delightful Anglo treat!

#87. Language matters! Do not tolerate foreign slang, and do keep contractions to a minimum. The consistent use of foreign slang is a perpetual ostracizer, and as my late grandmother used to say, “Ikh lern mikh zint eynem khoydesh Yidish.”, which crudely translates to, “One who cannot be careful about contractions cannot be trusted with your money.”

Once again, we at Ethnic Baby Inc. would like to thank you for opening up your hearts and your homes to a lovely child of questionable ethnicity. Happy Kwanzaa!

Strom Thurmond
CEO and BabyDaddy; Ethnic Baby Inc.

i wrote the whole thing too. no help from gem!!! she was extra proud of me.

in the end, i am told both Orlando and the accompanying letter were a big hit. because they are racist.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

WFI Does Hospice

vietnam friend:
did i tell you about my hospice lady
she and i play uno together
that is my job. i keep her company and we play games

i love uno.

vietnam friend:
so...i hadnt yet decided if a. she is senile b. doesnt know how to play uno or c. cheats

there's an episode of home improvement
where randy does hospice.
randy does hospice.
worst porn movie ever?

vietnam friend:
haha what?
im going to finish my story
im not sure where porn fits into the mix here

debbie does dallas
randy does hospice.

vietnam friend:
anyway. there really was no rhyme or reason
to anything she did before
she would just put cards down

i thought we were talking about debbie

vietnam friend:
so i was like ill roll with it, if she pauses then its my turn and ill follow the rules
except last wk
everytime i put a skip card or +4 card down she would ignore it
but whenever she would put one down, she would be like..thats a skip
or draw four
and then
at one pt
she put a blue 7 down
and then i put a blue 0
she starts drawing cards

so basically you're playing uno

vietnam friend:
she picks up about 4

with the worlds oldest

vietnam friend:
and then


vietnam friend:
she picks up
my blue 0
for about 3 seconds
and then puts it back down
and looks at me to go
and i was like...thats my card
and she said no, its mine

this is the best story
i am WFIing it.

i was like
i seriously almost died laughing
but had to be professional?

whiite thrash:
this woman sounds like a blast.
is it her suggestion to play uno?

vietnam friend:
i tried to teach her go fish once
but she has rather large hands that arent particulary adept and she couldnt hold all of them

play guess who!

vietnam friend:
she didnt understand that if you got a card you asked for you could ask again
she also didnt understand that if you didnt get the card you asked for you couldnt go again
she has a really really heavy jamaican accent
that i dont understand

vietnam friend:
guess who would be really unfortunate for me...
if you try to buy me guess who for my birthday ill kill you

oh gmail, you slay me!

for those that don't know, gmail scans your emails, and according to the words in them, places some sort of ad at the top that probably might interest you a little bit based upon the content it has come across...

so this is just awesome.